Saint Francis and the Sow by Galway Kinnell

The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don’t flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.

Identity is Fluid

Watched a play about a man who learned later in life that he was black or African American.

At the end, he said, "Identity is fluid," which resonated with me.

There are some core concepts, but other parts change.

Think back to where you were ten years ago, and ten years ago before that. I'm 32 now.

At 22, it was 2007, I had recently moved to Memphis. I was desperately co-dependent, a college drop out, and the owner of two new puppies. I had experienced a lot. But still not as much as I have now at 32. I'm Christian now. I'm married. I don't drink. I am a home owner. I value different things and perspectives now than I did at 22.

Things are different now. I'm a very different person. And that's reassuring and scary at the same time.

Day in the Life 8

• Talk with D and V. We all sat together at the last conference day and they have real conversation then, too. I appreciate them, their honesty, and their pursuit of meaningful conversation.
• Talk with C. I never get to visit with her. She really did make me rethink the Whole30.
• Received a compliment from L about all the work. This meant a lot seeing as how I thought I had negatively impacted our work relationship a couple years ago.
• Received a compliment from D. "I know you're having trouble hearing this right now...all you have to do is say thank you. Not even thank you if you don't want to, but just accept it."
• Received a compliment from KK about looking good, which from her means a lot.

Other noteworthy remarks:

• "Give yourself credit for the past...and use it for the future."
• "Identity is fluid- some core parts of you and then other parts change."

Day in the Life 7

• Sitting with K. K has been feeling probably a little isolated as well. I hate that she's feeling that way, but it was a nice feeling to know that someone else understands how I'm feeling. It was also nice to have someone to sit by who wanted to be around me.
• Validation about the "other K." I feel like no one understands the depths to which my soul was crushed by "the other K." Because no one understands, I haven't felt very validated in any of my feelings. I forgot that this K had a similar experience with tantrums, lies, and betrayal. We had a chance to talk about some of what happened to her and to me, and I did feel validation about my feelings and that I wasn't crazy—that actually "the other K" was crazy and someone else understands exactly what that means and what dealing with it felt/feels like.
• Was able to practice being empathetic. I've started reading "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" and this book touches on a lot for me, including how to be empathetic. I thank God for the opportunity to practice this today with K.
• Felt freedom. I got through a day without having to cling to my team and I survived, and it was actually a better day than yesterday.

Day in the Life 6

• Found my phone with little effort. Thank Goodness they created that Find my phone app.
• Worked alongside M at the Greenline and we really busted our butts.
• Saw people. I did get to see people I knew at least. K and MR. Always so nice and pleasant to catch up with.

Day in the Life 5

I've been sitting, listening to thunder for the last couple of hours, waiting for the rain to start falling, but no go. No rain yet. I wish it would though!

Updates:

• Talked to my best friend on the phone on Saturday. It was really nice to catch up. I hate that me being anti-social has meant that I've lost connection with the people I love most. She suggested a book by Brene Brown to read, and she also made me feel less alone. She has a talent for doing that, which is how I survived middle school and high school. Maybe it'll be what gets me through this time in my life too.

• Next weekend we're supposed to go to T's parents' house to plan our Italy trip. I'm excited and just want to get everything squared away so that I know it's actually happening.

• Speaking of Italy, I bought my purse—a Violet Ray brand bag with three zippered compartments and a shoulder strap. Really everything I wanted for a purse.

• I also got my iPad mini 4 yesterday. I am so excited about this purchase. It's 128GB, so that should be plenty of room for video and images when we go traveling abroad.

• I am not good at relaxing. How do I turn my mind off? Help! I keep forgetting to try the Valerian root that Tori suggested. Oh yeah, T and I started visiting a new church. We're not sure if this is where we are meant to be, but it's been nice to be welcomed into a group. Guess we'll see what happens in time.

Thankful

Things I'm thankful for:

• T&N and their friendship. T and I have so enjoyed getting to know them and spending quality time playing games—of all things for me, isn't that crazy?—and it's been so much fun.

• Visiting a new church today. I'm not sure this is where we'll end up going, but it was a good visit. T enjoyed it and has a friend there. I enjoyed the music and the atmosphere. Not sure about the message, but we're going to visit again and I'll be interested to see what the next one is like.

• A new little dresser my parents are letting us "borrow" until we don't want it anymore. T said no at first, but now that it's in place, he likes it. We've placed the lamp on it and it adds warmth to the room in a great way and there's no glare on the TV anymore. It has the lamp, a white tray, my favorite candle ever—Tobacco and Vanilla—a fake plant on a couple of books. I like it a lot. I'll have to take a picture of it!

Writing

"She knew she was really sad,

when she stopped loving the things she loved."

atticus

When I read this last night, it was after the lights had been turned off and the city was asleep.

And I almost started to cry.

I've been a writer my whole life.

Whether I've admitted to it or not, that's what I am. I write to express, to feel, to be relatable, to be recordable. To go back into my mind and pull things out, to ponder, to feel my sadness and let it go.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. Young author's fair, childhood stories about princesses, Xanga, then Vox, then and now Blogger.

Then something happened. She came into my life and because I could no longer be anonymous with my feelings, because I no longer wanted to process through the pain, because it hurt too badly to express myself and because no one could understand what I was going through... I stopped.

Four years now since I've written like I used to. Four years since connecting with myself and others on a platform that really worked for me.

I don't think anyone understands what I went through. I express my feelings and they hear family feud, but it was so much more deep than that. It was psychological. It was enough to change me.

My coworkers bought me Lara Casey's Powersheets. I haven't looked through the booklet yet, but maybe one of my goals can be to write more. Or to write anything at all.