Day in the Life 27

/ photo of the day /

Days lately are filled with self care and planning for Italy.

Yesterday I bought a new pair of sunglasses—cheap sunglasses, mind you. That way when (and emphasis on the "when" here, folks) I lose them or break them in Italy, it is not a big loss.

I also bought a dry brush, because I've heard such good things about it from LFA. This is the one I really want, BUT I was willing to start small and cheap just to test it out. So far, loving it. It's supposed to help exfoliate and increase blood circulation. I'm hoping it helps the latter, and I know after two days I already feel better about the former.

I've also really gotten into face masks lately. They're an easy way to decompress, and I'm thinking next on my wish list is clay masks.

On Saturday, T and I went to Ikea for a date day. And I love our Ikea date days. We make our way through the maze to the cafeteria, and a bright day the cafe is completely lit up with sunlight because of the large windows to the side. We can sit, enjoy people watching, enjoy the food, and then make our way through the rest of the store, ending our visit with a cinnamon roll and two coffees. I'd just like to share that they've stepped up their cinnamon roll game—more frosting and they're fluffier—and their coffee is as good as ever.

A few items we walked away with were a small, light throw that I can bring with me on the plane for our 8 hour-ish flight to Italy and a 100% cotton small towel.

Thinking about Italy, I think we have everything squared away. And I'm starting to get out of planning mode and into research mode. Youtube videos. Lots of Youtube videos. History of this and the do's and don't of that kinds of videos. Not to be outdone, I've purchased a couple of Rick Steves books, and will be downloading his audio tours of everything before we leave.

I think I've been so busy planning though that I haven't been able to really let it sink in that we're going and what all we're going to see. I hope that I remember to pull away from the camera long enough that I can really enjoy what's in front of me. Thirty-eight days until we leave!

Day in the Life 25

This morning we woke up and re-visited a church close to us. When we left, both of us had different thoughts, but we'll be going back again to get a better feel of the place and people. I know that what is important to me is community, diversity, and the message itself. And I feel like those are met or able to be met at this place. We are taking our time though and not jumping into anything too quickly, because we've made that mistake already and it was an awkward situation afterwards.

After church, we came home and ate lunch. Day 13 of Whole30 and I am not doing too good at this point. I've been struggling to get to sleep for the last week or so. Yesterday night (or this morning) I was up until around 4:30—ugh. I've read some articles and it seems normal when you're body is adjusting, but this didn't happen to me last time.

After eating lunch, I left T to play board games with the guys and I went to go see a movie. Moviepass has been such a blessing. I love it and hope it's here to stay. After my movie, I visited TJ Maxx and picked up a few things that made me happy. A quartz candle holder, a new little trash can with a lid for the main bathroom, a stationary box, and an acrylic organizer for my overflowing makeup. I'm so happy. Right now as I'm writing this I've put a tea light in the quartz candle holder and I love it. I'm just imagining taking a comfortable bath with my bath salts and candles going in the dark.

I also need to write here that my word of the year is JOY. It was my fortune when I visited L in Minneapolis and it was on an ornament gifted to me. I've struggled with joy since 2014. That's four years-ish of my life that I've been struggling. Why did I let that person do this me? How could it have changed me so much? I hate that it has, but I am going to work on being joyful and understanding what brings me joy and realizing that I already have joy, I just need to pay attention—all this year.

Hope you are having a joyful weekend and that we are all ready for the week ahead!

Day in the Life 24

 Today is another day filled with snow! And that to me is just crazy.

Couple being raised in California with living in Memphis for 10 years and experiencing this just blows my mind.

It's a very welcome, unexpected vacation from life. And I am appreciating every second of it. (Appreciation—maybe that should be my word of the year?)

Most of it has been spent planning for Italy. Accommodation planning, travel planning, packing planning...I am a little anxious about being so far away from home. For light packing for a little over two weeks, I plan to bring mostly Piko tops of neutral colors and jeggings. Here's one set of outfits re-wearing the same shirt:

We did book a place with a washer and dryer so we'll have any opportunity to wash some clothes. Also, cardigans, a chambray top, sneakers, and a light scarf. This Fjallraven backpack is on my wishlist, but I may just end up using the backpack I already have.

Also want to note here that after a year of not being able to use my second generation Kindle after resetting it and having trouble getting it to update, Amazon must've fixed the problem. On a whim, I took both of our second generation Kindle's off the bookshelf, plugged them up, and signed on with no problem. For a whole day, we couldn't get passed the "cannot connect" message. It was frustrating! So now we have 4 Kindles all together :/ Anyone need a Kindle?

Going to see if I can plan out a little bit more of the trip—au revoir!

Day in the Life 23

I am sitting here reminiscing about my mid-to-late twenties when I had a blog and I somehow was able to write a post every day. Every day. How?! How did I have the time and energy to do that?

Every day I intend to pick up my laptop and write at least something, but somehow it gets away from me. After a long day, I just want to curl up and relax. I want to turn off my mind.

Anyway, back to writing today. This week was long, but somehow I made it through.

Yesterday was really great. I slept in, because I really needed to and when I woke up T made me a cup of coffee that I drank...slowly and happily. Then we got ready and were on our way to the theater to see our second movie since signing up with Moviepass. We went to go see Thor, which we both loved. And we're really happy with how Moviepass has worked out. It took about a month from first signing up to being able to see a movie, but the wait was worth it.

After the movie, we gorged ourselves on wings and fries from Wing Stop. It was so good! Can I tell you I'm both ready and not ready for Whole30, which we're starting January 8th. I'm ready to feel better again, but I'm not ready to give up junk food.

Current music in rotation is:

Current TV we're watching:

Day in the Life 22

This last week was a whirlwind. It was one of those weeks where I only had enough energy to focus on the very next day only.

On Wednesday T and I had dinner with friends at Elwood’s Shack and then we came home and played a couple games. Now my only goal when we play games is that T doesn’t win. I don’t care if I win, but I definitely don’t want T to have any bragging rights. Well, he didn’t win the first game, but I was so disappointed that somehow he won the second. Ugh ugh ugh. Next time I’ll watch him a little closer.

On Thursday. T and I took my brother to see the new Star Wars movie with us. It was such a fun experience and I’m glad that my brother is here now so we can do things like this. We got there early and played games of hangman with my handy dandy mini notebook I bring with me. I think he had fun and the movie itself was awesome. T and I will definitely be going back to see it again, especially now that we finally have our MoviePass cards and they’ve been activated.

I am in love with essential oils—have I told you all this already? In. Love. One of the shops I discovered via an Instagrammer I follow is Little Shop of Oils. I decided to buy her Mermaid Hair spray, headache oil, anxiety oil, and zodiac oil. They’re part of my stocking stuffers now, so I don’t get to enjoy them just yet, but I am super excited about them!

This weekend has been nice, but quick. I didn’t have a chance to sleep in on Saturday, but even that was okay. We had lots of errands to run and our first stop was Kohl’s. That was quick enough, but unfortunately when we came out T’s battery was completely dead. Luckily he had his portable battery and after a few attempts the car finally started and we headed to Autozone. We met some nice people, got his battery changed, and headed on our way. From Kohl’s to Autozone then Steinmart and TJ Maxx and we finished the trip with a pizza from The Fresh Market.

Today we woke up early and went to church. I’m excited about the candlelight service next Saturday. It’s one of my favorite services ever. After church we went to Walmart for groceries and Target for some final Christmas shopping. Phew. It’s been fun buying gifts, but I wish I had planned better this year. Normally I’m buying gifts throughout the year to save myself time, but this year I’ve just been so tired I couldn’t manage that.

Tomorrow is Monday—at least Christmas is not far behind. I’m looking forward to the quality time with family and T.

Day in the Life 21

Last night T and I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This was the first time I ever watched it. Tonight we're watching another movie from the 80s—License to Drive.

Time to wind down — I'm slowly figuring out what things or activities really help me relax. I love oils so much. To put on my skin. For the diffuser. For my hair. Love, love, love.

When it comes to feeling left out, found some helpful thoughts:
-Commiserate and get over it
-Coping with being left out
-FOMO in the office
-Being self-aware

It's been two weeks or so since I've been on Instagram. And it feels good! It's been hard and I've found myself fighting the urge to sign on, but I also am not feeling feelings of being less-than or comparing myself to others. And it's making this all worthwhile.

How am I keeping up with my December intentions? Well, I've definitely missed a few days of writing. There have been a couple of times I've felt myself being offended. BUT to be clear, there's a difference between being just offended and standing up for myself or what's right.

Day in the Life 20

• Paint by numbers — I was really surprised by a sweet gift today! Someone sweet got me a coloring book where you paint with water. It was so sweet. I think that's the sweetest gift I've gotten since my friend bought me my byta cup. I do want to mention that T's mom also got me a cute Christmas pillow. I really want to take a moment to celebrate these generous gestures and the people that made them. It's not every day people give meaningful gifts, and these things were special.

• Moviepass — T and I signed up for the Moviepass service. My biggest fear was that the cards wouldn't come. Welp, we got the cards. However, I wasn't expecting to get the cards and not be able to use them. I'm not really worried. I knew going in we'd most likely encounter some trouble. Right now we're waiting to be able to activate the card, but our card status still says it's processing the order :/ Sad. 

• Hat — I bought a hat from Morning Lavender. I can't wait to have an event to wear it to. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to wear it just anywhere, though it is gorgeous.

Day in the Life 19

So I messed my back up.

Pretty sure I did it the day I stood for three and a half hours in heels. In the past that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but now I am in my thirties and I haven’t worn heels in five months because all I wear are my Rothy’s.

I hate not feeling 100%—it’s so restricting. I can’t rake leaves, I can’t go shopping, I can’t give big bear hugs. Ugh.

My back feels a lot better now, thanks to T’s mom taking care of me this weekend. But I’m still being super delicate about it because I don’t want to mess it up again.

Right now we’re taking time to watch Andy Stanley since we couldn’t make it to church today. I miss going to church and being in the word.

Self care this weekend- I took a shower/bath with bath salts, I coated my hair and scalp with coconut oil, then I moisturized my face with oils, I have my oil diffuser with lavender and peppermint oils, I painted my nails, shaved and lotioned up my legs... Oh, these have helped me relax so much this weekend. Not to mention having something on TV- Once Upon a Time. 

Day in the Life 18

• Rothy’s — I got my first pair of Rothy’s on August 8th and I’ve pretty much worn them every day since. My feet are so comfortable in them that I almost always never want to wear anything else. They are the one shoe I can wear for an extended period of time (like walking around Mall of America all day) and not have any rubbing. These will definitely be going to Italy, though I do think I’ll need some comfortable inserts.

• MoviePass — T and I ordered our MoviePass cards on November 30 and got another email yesterday, December 2, that said they are on their way. I hope it’s true and that we’ll be receiving them soon. I’m so excited about seeing more movies.

• Morning Lavender — I bought a few things on sale. A hat and a Piko style top. I really want to be more comfortable wearing hats, because I have some cute ones. Maybe that will be my New Year’s resolution—to be more comfortable with my style.

• Christmas Shopping — Ugh, still have gifts to buy.

• Church — Going to church today was good. The worship was great. The message was good for me to hear. I always struggle with being different and not fitting in. Today’s message was from John about us looking, acting and sounding different. I definitely needed to hear this message.

Day in the Life 17

Tonight has definitely been a self-care kind of night.

We’re curled up in the dim light of the Christmas tree, where we watched The Santa Clause and ate leftover ham and green beans.

I bought the guide on meal prep—which I am super excited about! It’s perfect for me. It has the recipes for how to prep ingredients and then meal suggestions. I can’t wait to make some of the items she shares. I looked through the booklet while drinking some earl grey tea.

I don’t know how many days it’s been off my personal Instagram, but I really don’t miss it at this point. I feel better. The spirit of comparison has died down and I’m enjoying seeing the world through my blog Instagram—following other bloggers and celebrities.

I’ve started to play with the idea of giving up coffee. What would my daily routine be like without coffee? I wonder how much healthier I’d be. I wonder how much of my mood and personality might change. I wonder how much better I would feel.

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers drinking matcha. Maybe that’s a switch worth making. More matcha, more tea maybe?

Day in the Life 16

I did not wake up wanting to go to church today. Part of me hoped that T would sleep through his alarm so we could sleep in.

We made it to church after the first song had started and I wasn't really even touched by the worship. I couldn't concentrate, I had a million thoughts going through my head. And even when the singles pastor took the stage, I didn't expect my focus to to change. But it did.

Soon he was talking about being in the ICU, experiencing his midnight moment.

It didn't resonate with me at first but as he described what a midnight moment was—a time of utter hopelessness—I realized I've been in a continuous midnight moment for the last four years.

And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of feeling hopeless. And what I found in his message was instruction on how to be hopeful.

And it doesn't come from the changing of circumstances, but the changing of perspective. Singing a different tune, like Paul and Silas in Acts 16:22-30.

It makes sense as to why I've sunk into a deeper and deeper pit—when things got really bad with K, when I stopped being able to communicate, when I completely shut down from people, I shut God out of my life, too. Sure, T and I were attending church—and by attending I mean volunteering so the intake was different since we never got to experience the service, the message, the teaching, since we were always working—but nothing was hitting home. Nothing was sticking with me. Then we stopped attending church all together. This is the farthest I've been from God since letting Him in to my life in 2010ish.

Some notes that I took:
—You will only remember what you study. If you haven't been studying, you won't know the song to sing to keep you focused with a destiny perspective. Is your default song one of complaining and criticism?
—Premeditate your praise. Make up your mind about what to sing before the dark hours and days come.
—Your circumstances should not dictate your disposition.
—Your perspective can prohibit your praise.
—You never know who is watching you, who stands the chance of being changed by how you act and react.
—Although you cannot see if, God works the midnight shift.

If you'd like to view the message, you can here.

Day in the Life 15

Black Friday sales! Woop woop! I ended up getting a lot of things I've been looking at for a while.

—Baggu
—Glossier
—Truffle

Thankful for the sales. I still have to shop for T's stocking stuffers and get ready for Christmas. I'm so excited about the upcoming holiday.

And I'm so thankful for today. We didn't do much and it felt so nice to just relax. We stayed in our jammies, ate leftovers, watched The Christmas Prince and Home Alone. This is a day worth treasuring. We don't normally get to spend much time together, much less where we're not cleaning the house, doing laundry, or doing dishes.

Also I think this is either Day 2 or 3 of not being on my personal Instagram, and I already feel better. I did fumble and accidentally click on my personal handle instead of my blog handle and quickly switched back. I'll admit there was a second where I thought about looking at the feed, but I quickly dismissed that thought and jumped back to my blog Instagram, replete with fashion bloggers and celebrities.

Day in the Life 14

Today was Thanksgiving and it was such a great day.

I think it was so great, we forgot to take any real group pictures of the family.

The day went by quickly and the food was great. So was the family time.

T made a video of the day—however I hate the way I look and I hate the sound of my voice. I hate that those things take away from the video itself. Hoping one day I'll get it over and love the video for what it is—a treasured memory of the family's time together.

Day in the Life 13

Every time I watch This is Us and the story focuses on Kate—especially little Kate—I identify.

This last episode shared how she wanted to go to music school but didn't share with her mom out of fear of disappointment. I think that is the theme throughout my life, not going for stuff and not telling anyone out of fear of not succeeding and fear of disappointing others. Hope seems to be a bad thing when the ending is disappointment.

Maybe one day it won't be this way. Maybe as she works through her stuff, I'll be on the other side of the screen doing the same.

Day in the Life 12

Today I finished the black and white photo challenge on Instagram, and it was really eye opening to me.

After today, I'm staying off Instagram for a month. So I guess right before Christmas is when I'll be back. If I ever come back to Instagram, that is.

I'm reading this book about this woman who stayed off the internet for a year. For a year. And she survived. I haven't gotten to the part of the book where she talks about being better for it, but I can only imagine the benefits. Not having to live up to any unspoken expectations, no wondering why your pictures don't get likes, no feeling sad for yourself—no more!

I know there's more to life than likes.

Like actually living life without wondering if a picture is post-worthy. Like actually telling my friends about what's been going on in my life instead of posting it.

Social media sites can be so cruel. They make you feel like you're connected to people without actually being invested in them. It's false intimacy and voyeurism at its finest.

So we'll see where I am in a month. I'm not giving up YouTube or Facebook—just Instagram, so we'll see how this little project goes. Oh, and I'll have this blog where I keep up with my thoughts daily. And you guys know I'm all about challenges.

Day in the Life 11

Why am I silent
I've forgotten how to talk to people
Lost the ability to communicate

Do you ever go down a rabbit hole on Google?

Maybe rabbit hole isn't the right term, because I feel like that implies you're not really looking for something.

But something's happened to me within these last two years and I don't like the person I am—silent.

Like absolutely silent.

When I'm in groups or around certain people I have no desire to share or be vulnerable, which I don't like that I don't trust those people enough to not be that way.

With my friends and with other people, I actually talk. It's a night and day difference. And it all boils down to trust. Being able to trust people with my thoughts and with my feelings.

So I Googled, "Why am I silent?"

Which led to "I've forgotten how to talk to people..."

Which led me to search for "I've lost the ability to communicate."

It led me to this Ask Alice article and in the first few sentences I was, like, "ME, ME, so ME!"

"For some reason, you seem to have become extremely self-conscious in social situations, which can feel awful, uncomfortable, and counterproductive...It might also be useful to see if you can pin this change in your social comfort level on a specific incident, a feeling triggered by an observation or realization, or a humiliating experience. Has anything happened to you in the past year that made you feel very embarrassed in a social circumstance? Have you perhaps gained some new awareness of a characteristic of yours that is making you socially self-conscious? Have you been openly rejected by someone recently? Any of these types of occurrences might set off a physical reaction to the social discomfort you are currently experiencing."

So of course this made me think. Back when everything was happening, I remember C saying to me, "Beware immediate intimacy." Up until K I shared everything about myself with people I thought cared about me and s/he was the first one to ever use that against me and in such a horrific way. There was another incident that happened later on with someone else, where I was telling them something important about me and my history and they were basically chose to ignore me and start on something else.

I guess this plays into my knowing the person and knowing the moment and being able to tell when people are open to listening and learning about you.

Sometimes people are never open to learning about you. And that doesn't mean you're any less worthy of being listened to. It just means find your people—the ones who will listen to you with care and understanding.

Be selective.

Not everyone belongs in your circle. Not everyone should belong in your circle.

Day in the Life 10

Today T and I went to church. And there were so many good moments.

Like when the two worship leaders talked about how they went from having differences and not getting along to finally appreciating each other and their differences.

Or like when E talked about why she shares her emotion when she sings. She held her feelings in as a  young girl. Being different—4'11" in kindergarten, crooked teeth, and unacceptable clothes.

And it occurred to me that maybe the reason I feel so detached from my days is because I don't spend time reflecting or taking in my day like I did during the OYC. When I went through the OYC, I processed everything and I took time to appreciate (or not appreciate) what I was experiencing.

This makes sense to me now, because in the thick of it, when I stopped wanting to feel or process things when 2014-2016 was happening, of course I didn't want to relive anything. Experiencing the day once was enough and I tried to forget everything that happened. And I got so used to blocking things out that I have started blocking everything out, even the good things.

So maybe this is my path. Whatever happens in a day, good or bad, spending some time here to reflect on it.

I need to find myself again. No more pushing myself down or keeping myself from moving on. No more taking in people's negative comments. If I can grow from them, yes, then that's one thing. If they're just saying them to be mean, then no. There's got to be love behind the criticism.

So here's to my soul search.

Day in the Life 9

What I Want
To read
To have quiet time
To write
To love myself
To buy less
To have a home I like and am proud of

What's Going on Right Now
iPad Mini 4
CityMaps2Go & Italy Planning
Rearranging the house
I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown
Loveable by Kelly Flanagan

Things I Want
Bluetooth headphones

Excited For

Fall

Fall outfits

Vanilla Chai Lattes

Italy

Planning outfits for Italy
Having friends

Day in the Life 8

• Talk with D and V. We all sat together at the last conference day and they have real conversation then, too. I appreciate them, their honesty, and their pursuit of meaningful conversation.
• Talk with C. I never get to visit with her. She really did make me rethink the Whole30.
• Received a compliment from L about all the work. This meant a lot seeing as how I thought I had negatively impacted our work relationship a couple years ago.
• Received a compliment from D. "I know you're having trouble hearing this right now...all you have to do is say thank you. Not even thank you if you don't want to, but just accept it."
• Received a compliment from KK about looking good, which from her means a lot.

Other noteworthy remarks:

• "Give yourself credit for the past...and use it for the future."
• "Identity is fluid- some core parts of you and then other parts change."

Day in the Life 7

• Sitting with K. K has been feeling probably a little isolated as well. I hate that she's feeling that way, but it was a nice feeling to know that someone else understands how I'm feeling. It was also nice to have someone to sit by who wanted to be around me.
• Validation about the "other K." I feel like no one understands the depths to which my soul was crushed by "the other K." Because no one understands, I haven't felt very validated in any of my feelings. I forgot that this K had a similar experience with tantrums, lies, and betrayal. We had a chance to talk about some of what happened to her and to me, and I did feel validation about my feelings and that I wasn't crazy—that actually "the other K" was crazy and someone else understands exactly what that means and what dealing with it felt/feels like.
• Was able to practice being empathetic. I've started reading "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" and this book touches on a lot for me, including how to be empathetic. I thank God for the opportunity to practice this today with K.
• Felt freedom. I got through a day without having to cling to my team and I survived, and it was actually a better day than yesterday.