Blank Canvas

It has been such a struggle to write anything lately. I think it's because I struggle with vulnerability, which is so different than how I used to be.

I think it's also because I've realized that I don't want people's pity. What I want is simply understanding. Keep your sympathy. Bring me instead your empathy. Let me know I'm not a weirdo, that I'm not an outlier.

I just started reading Brené Brown's Braving the Wilderness. She talks about the moments that impacted her, that started her down the path of feeling like she didn't belong. When I think back to these moments in my own life, these include:

High School- M/K

Right before I left California- Mom/Dad

When I started believing in God- S/K

Right before I got married- K

The last one, aside from my family hurts, is the one that hurt the most. This is a little funny to me, only in that in every moment mentioned before that, I remember saying to myself, "I will never experience a greater pain than this." But this last one, what a doozy. It's the worst because it literally changed me. It shut me down and made me feel the most alone I've ever felt. And that's a pain I will carry with me until I can let go of it, because no one I've met can empathize with what happened.

And at 32, I still find myself not fitting in, feeling so different. So like high school all over again. And it's lonely. And exhausting. Feeling different is exhausting.

I really enjoyed Brené's "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)"—it meant a lot to me to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with overcoming shame. I'm excited for what I'll learn in this current book...maybe being able to see myself more clearly instead of through the lens of past hurts that I can't seem to shake.

Somewhere, somehow I need to learn to love myself on this long road to belonging. Brené shares an interview with Maya Angelou:

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?

MAYA ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?

MAYA ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and the courage very much. And—when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t—that doesn’t please me, then I have to deal with that.

I titled this post "Blank Canvas" but it's not quite that simple. I see this new season as a blank canvas, but the canvas isn't new and stark white with no blemishes on it. Instead it's a canvas where the artist decided to start over and repainted it white in an attempt to start fresh. Some shades and shapes show through the new glaze of ivory, but it doesn't mean it's unusable. The remnants will remain underneath the new layer of paint, but what will come is something new.

OYC Anniversary

Six years ago today I made a choice to stop dating for a year.

If you read that sentence without knowing any of my back story, that sounds so simple. Like maybe it's not worthy of celebration. But it is—I can say it after living it, it definitely is worth celebration. There was nothing tiny about it at the time. For a 20-something, living in the south where everyone was getting married young, for someone who had always been co-dependent and started dating at 14—it was a big freaking deal.

And you know what? I made it.

It hurt, it was painful, but it was wonderful and I wouldn't take back any of it.

Now at 32, life looks completely different.

I'm married. We own a house. We're talking about having kids—who am I? I don't think at 26 I would've imagined I'd make it here. But here I am.

And now being on the other side, the only thing I can think about saying in regards to this anniversary is...

On to the next challenge!

And really what I mean is just be prepared as best you can, because once you’ve overcome one challenge, there’s another waiting just behind it. That’s life.

Every season has a new challenge. Whether it’s singleness, work, family, being a mommy, or anything else, you are never done learning and growing.

Don't get me wrong—life isn't JUST about challenges. It's beautiful, it's about having fun, it's about enjoying who you are as a person and those around you and all those many experiences that life provides, but growth is a constant factor. You want to be one of those older, wiser 80 year women or men you admire when you see them out at a diner or in a store? Well, keep learning, growing, and not backing down from what life throws at you and you'll get there.

Learning is constant. There is always another challenge waiting to knock at your door. Don't run away from it. Pursue it and be determined to come out on top.

I thought being single was the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. And then 2013-14 happened where I lost myself. Everything that happened could have been a perfect plot for a telenovela, y'all. And even on the days I felt like giving up—and even on the super painful days where I cried out loud, "I give up!"—despite those moments and declarations, I got up the next morning and pushed through the pain.

This post is a reminder for me (and for you if you need it like I need it) that some seasons of life aren't typically beautiful. The beauty part may come afterwards, and even though you can't see it in the midst of everything, know that it is coming. You just can't give up.

Looking at my old blog I found this picture (circa 2011). I remember taking it, editing it and posting it. It is just as much a reminder now as it was then... Do not give up. Even when you want to, even when it's difficult to keep going, keep going.

Who I Want to Be in a Year

I knew this when I was younger — that the best way to become the person you want to be is map out who you want to be in a year. After all, you have to know where you're going before you can start on the road to getting there.

When I thought about this today, about who I want to see in myself in a year, three words came to mind.