Your First Month

Dear Ian,

Happy one month birthday, son! A month has already ticked by—and I’ve already forgotten what it was like to be pregnant, what it felt like to have you kick and move in my tummy—so sad! What it felt like in the delivery room, pushing and then when you finally arrived. The feeling when they laid you on my chest for moment before they took you to clean you up. And now here we are. Plumper fingers and toes, little sounds and yawns, grumpy faces, tiny socks, lots of bottles, and being wrapped in blankets... I cannot believe you’ve been with us a month already.

Now you’re bigger.

You’re looking more intently at things.

You’re stretching your arms out more.

Your dad is back at work.

I have 3 months left with you before I go back to work.

Right now you’re in your swing after a big meal, completely zonked. It’s killing me not to hold you right now, but I really wanted to write something to celebrate your first month.

What’s been going on lately?

You and I sleep in together when Dad goes to work. Depending on if you sleep longer than me, I either give you formula or breast milk for breakfast. I hate the way the formula smells and tastes, but sometimes I just can’t keep up with your appetite. I think you’ve hit yet another growth spurt!

You love soft blankets. In fact, I think you sleep better when one is wrapped around you. Speaking of that, we’re doing that wrong, but you won’t sleep any other way—doctors advise against co-sleeping in the same bed, but when we try and put you in your crib or any version of a bed that’s not with us, you cry incessantly. And I hate hearing you cry. You also sleep better with blankets and on your side. We just pray every night that God keeps you safe and nothing happens.

The way you stretch right now really tickles me! Your arch your back way back. Like you’re almost a U-shape and I’m almost afraid you’ll snap yourself in two. Your little head goes back, and then afterwards you look so content. The littlest things you do bring us so much joy.

I think as much as your dad and I tried to imagine what life would be like once you got here, we just couldn’t. We couldn’t imagine all the ways we would feel or how our days and nights would change, or how your grandparents would change. All four of them are completely in love with you, and would love to spend every day with you if we let them. But right now I’m being selfish, wanting you to myself for as long as I can have you before I go back to work. You are my first baby and probably my only baby and I just want to soak up all my uninterrupted time with you.

I think things are a little stressful. We’re a tad sleep deprived. But in the middle of the night when you cry, I remember you’re little and scared and communicating the only way you know how—through crying—and that tempers any frustration I may be feeling and I just go back to feeling so much love for you, like I just want to protect you and keep you from being sad.

You’ve grown out of a couple onesies already, which does make me sad. I knew that was coming, and now it’s here. You’re not our littlest newborn anymore. And when I realize how quickly time has gone by, my mind jumps ahead, thinking about when you’ll be 2...or 5...or 15. And I think about how fast it will all go by.

Your dad and I talk about setting you up for success, believing in you, and wanting the best for you—better than what we had. And we’re devoted to making a better life with better opportunities for you. We both want you to go to college and are making plans to help you. I want for you to establish your own life, be independent, and to be able to take care of yourself. I want you to succeed not for the sake of succeeding, but to find happiness and peace in knowing that 1) you had every opportunity and 2) you took every opportunity (that you wanted or needed to). I never want you to feel like an opportunity was not given to you or that you didn’t have a choice. Like college for your dad and me, we felt like we didn’t have a choice because of money, and we don’t want that to be an issue for you. Your dad and I are going to work hard for you and instill in you the same sense of working hard.  

You just stretched your little left hand to the sky in a big stretch. You’re so cute, and so much more than we could’ve hoped for. We look forward to watching you grow—to see you smile, hear you laugh and talk, watch your eyes take in the world around you. We’re a month out and this is still only the beginning. We love you so much, son.

We love you,

Mom & Dad

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Shift 1

She came back and I got into the hospital bed. She put a fourth of Cytotec inside of me to soften my cervix. She said she’d be back in two hours. Preferably I shouldn’t go to the bathroom, but if I needed to, I could do it after the first hour. She showed Trace how to disconnect me from the baby’s heartrate monitor, and I was also connected to the blood pressure monitor.

After about the first hour and a half I asked Trace to help me up to the bathroom. I think she came in soon after and gave me another dose. It wasn’t long after that I was in so much pain. I remember feeling the first pangs of pain around 3:00 and thinking, “I can wait until she comes back in at 4.” Well, by 4:00 I was in so much pain and I was upset at her because she didn’t come back and check on me. We made it until 4:30 and then buzzed her because I couldn’t take another second.

She gave me stadol for the pain, which immediately made me dizzy. My parents came back at 5:30 and I remember being so uncomfortable that I was short with them. I felt guilty, but I was hurting and drugged up and so uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was be comfortable and have Trace hold my hand.

At 6:15, they gave me the Pitocin. The pain increased and I was desperate for relief. At 6:40 they gave me more stadol and I asked for the epidural. At 7:15 the anesthesiologist came in, apologizing. Whoever was on the previous shift had just left without telling her about me, which in retrospect makes me a little upset, but in the moment I was just happy to see her.

Alycia T nurse

Room 6 Cytotec 9pm and again 4 hours later

Labor drug at 6am

Alycia and second nurse to get IV switched arms still couldn't get it after 3 sticks. 3rd nurse came Iszcha? Eyesha did it on the 4th stick right arm

950 Cytotec

1150 check up

2am second dose cytotec 

Power surge Contractions started 3am

330am power surge Heartbeat monitor went down. Called nurse to fix.

437 Stadol for pain

530 Linfords came in 

615 pitocin 

640 stadol and called for epidural

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Admissions

Once we made it inside the hospital, we walked up to Admissions.

It was very quiet. There were no families in the waiting area. The only person we saw was the nice woman behind the Admissions counter. She was friendly, which helped calm me down. She took my fingerprint and had me sign some forms. I laughed and told her she’d had four very excited grandparents in the waiting room soon. (Little did I know that my labor wouldn’t go as quickly as I hoped, so she’d not get the chance to meet the gradnparents like I thought.) 

She gave me paperwork to pass onto the nurse and buzzed us back into the hospital. We buzzed to enter and a not so friendly staff person took our paperwork and walked us back to the waiting room. It was a weird waiting room. It didn’t seem to match the rest of the hospital as it looked older and outdated. A TV hung on the wall, the floor seemed dirty, and there was a two way mirror where we couldn’t see out. We probably weren’t in there for more than 2 minutes, but it felt like so much longer because I wasn’t sure what was happening. Thankfully soon after a young nurse came in. She was more friendly than the last staff person who had taken our paperwork, so I felt a little bit better right away.

She led us back to our room—Room #6. She asked Trace to wait out in the hall while she asked me some questions. After I answered, she told me to wipe down with a medical wipe and change into the gown, and she’d return in a few minutes.

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Before the Hospital

The 18th of February came and went with no sign of Ian.

Trace and I went about our normal business until Wednesday night. We planned to nap before heading to the hospital around 8:15, but the excitement was too much for us. We laid in bed, talking, and really just spending quality time together, just the two of us. We unwound from a busy week and busy thoughts, and I just enjoyed laying there with Trace, enjoying our last moments together as a family of two.

We talked about the unknowns, the what ifs, our hopes and dreams for our little boy, laying beside each other, just us for the last time.

I had spent the day cleaning and got everything done except vaccuuming, which Trace was nice enough to take care of for me.

He peeled me an orange and fed it to me as I curled my hair. There’s something about curling my hair that even if I’m not wearing any make up, it still makes me feel put together. It was the one thing I did for myself that day to help myself be more comfortable in the hours to come. Afterwards, Trace packed our bags and pillows in the car, we closed and locked the door, and started on our way, not really knowing what to expect except that we would be meeting Ian at the end of it all.

It was weird, taking one last look at our neighborhood and knowing that the next time we’d return that we’d have a little bundle of baby cuteness with us. I held Trace’s hand on the way. And I think we were listening to K-Love on the way. I don’t remember much else about the drive, except that I got a little more nervous the closer we got.

When we arrived at the parking garage, I remember Trace went around and couldn’t find parking because one side was crowded, so we turned around and headed back to a spot close to where we parked when we attended the class. Trace pulled everything out of the car, and I carried the pillows since they were the lightest thing and together we walked towards the hospital.

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What I’ll Miss About Being Pregnant

I wish I had wrote this while I was still pregnant, but now Ian is here and the memories of him being in my belly are quickly fading.

Baby Kicks — I already miss this so much. I knew I would. There’s just no way to adequately describe what that feeling feels like. First the little movements, then the bigger waves of him twisting and dancing in my belly. I remember going on a trip and being in a hotel room by myself, feeling him move and willing him to move again. I would just stare in amazement every time he moved. I loved feeling it. Even when I was at work, sitting in my chair. It was a welcome distraction to feel my little baby moving.

Rubbing My Belly — I loved feeling maternal and rubbing my belly, hoping the baby could feel me. Hoping that he would be reassured that I was just right there. I would do it in the office, I would do it in the car, I would do it at the grocery store—I rubbed my belly everywhere because I loved thinking that he could feel my hands comforting him.

Talking to Him — I’ll miss talking to him, singing to him and reading to him in my belly. I’ll miss Trace talking to him, too. I’ll always treasure Trace putting his ear up to my belly to see if he could hear sounds.

Knowing He’s Safe — My biggest worry was tripping and squishing him in my fall and eating something that could hurt him. Now there’s a whole world out there that could hurt him.

Feeling Pretty — Wearing cute outfits and enjoying my roundness—I loved that I could wear my usual lose clothes except that then I had shape that filled them out. I definitely felt like a cute pregnant person as opposed to a non-pregnant person with a little bit of pudge. I could also wear form fitting clothes without being self-conscious because I was showing off my baby bump.

Parking in the Expectant Mother’s Parking Spot — This was a a nice perk while it lasted. I think we only got to take advantage of it once or twice, but it was so nice!

Little Life — Just knowing that there was a little life inside of me. It was so surreal. I was carrying my baby in my belly!

It’s a crazy reality that now our little guy is here. Right now he’s sleeping in my lap. I love him so much and I never thought I could love him so muh. A coworker told me that she didn’t feel super connected to her baby while he was in her belly, but as soon as he came out—boom! Immediate love, and that’s exactly what happened to me. As soon as they put him on my chest, my heart was full of love for him.

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Week 1

Dear Ian,

Today you are a week old. We can’t believe how quickly this first week has gone by. We’ve spent this week getting to know you and spending time with you, falling in love with you. We’re smitten with you, son. We loved you immediately and our love for you continues to grow every day.

Over a week ago, you were in Mom’s tummy. Every kick, movement and hiccup were treasured. We wondered when we’d get to meet you. As each day passed, the anticipation grew. And finally the 20th was here and a day later so were you.

We've watched you intently this last week. There are so many things that bring us joy:

• You have the best facial expressions while you sleep. You raise your eyebrows, looking curious, and then furrow them, looking grumpy. It makes us laugh because it's so cute.
• When Mom feeds you and you’re falling asleep, your little eyes roll back into your head. We can’t tell if that’s you fighting sleep or welcoming it.
• When you’re hungry, you shake your head back and forth quickly.
• When you cry, your bottom lip trembles.
• You can already hold your head up pretty well. Mom had you on her chest this morning and you pulled your head up to look at her and then look at the ceiling.
• You're intrigued by ceiling fans. You look around the rooms when you’re awake and when your eyes land on one, you’re captivated.
• When you're really upset, you cry so loud that it sounds like a cat in pain. It makes us laugh to hear how loud you are. (And then we try to calm you down.)
• You sleep better when somebody is holding you, so Mom snuggles you a lot.
• You got your first sponge bath at home yesterday and we think you enjoyed it. You didn’t cry and it seemed like you found the water running over your hair soothing.
• They say babies can’t smile, but we watched you smile for the first time (and several times after that) in your sleep this week. Those moments are like shooting stars; they happen so quickly and we feel very lucky to catch them.

We hope that as your parents, as you grow, we instill in you humility, compassion, thoughtfulness, kindness, creativity, passion, ambition and drive, confidence in yourself, respectfulness of others, appreciation for family, gratitude for the blessings in your life, a healthy relationship with technology, discernment, awareness, sympathy, a tenderness for others, and a love for God. We hope you find joy and purpose in this life and that you always experience life through a filter of hope.

Right now you’re curled up in Mom’s arms, snuggled and safe. Little hands and feet are moving and we can see on your face and its changing expressions that you must be dreaming of something.

The tomorrows of life are bittersweet. You’ll grow from being our little newborn that can snuggle up in the crook of our arms to a toddler to a kindergartner to a high schooler to going off to college. We are savoring each moment with you and look forward to experiencing every day with you. 

We love you, son.

-Mom and Dad 

At the Very End of Week 39

No baby yet... I was and am hoping that he’ll come on his own without me having to be induced, but with every day that goes by, it seems less and less likely.

Yesterday T and I went out and had burgers for lunch. It might have been our last date day out together before the baby is here. We also went to Kroger for potentially our last grocery run and we finally got to park in the expectant mother’s spot. I’ll miss people being so nice to me when I’m not pregnant anymore. There was a sweet woman in the store and she could tell I was tired. “When are you due?” she asked. “Monday,” I smiled back. She smiled and wished me luck. So sweet!

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. It hurts to walk, sit, and lay down—sometimes even breathing hurts depending on where the baby is pushing. He’s still actively moving, which makes me happy to know he’s okay, but ouch! There’s not really any room for him to stretch out anymore.

I think the house is pretty much in order or as in order as I can stand to clean it with me not really being able to bend.

We have clothes up on ebay that are out in the dining room, so many baby clothes there’s no where to put them, and dog hair everywhere. Of course these things aren’t a big deal, but part of me would have loved to have them all sorted out before Ian’s arrival—and then there’s another part of me that’s just too tired to care. Welcome to Parenthood (I think)!

Baby Ian, hurry up and get here. We’re so excited!

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Week 38

Dear baby boy,

Here we are, almost at the end of one chapter and on the verge of starting a new one—the one where you’re here in the world and we can see and touch you! Oh man, what is life going to be like? Even when I try to envision it, I don’t think I am at all prepared for how you will capsize our lives in the very best way.

Today after months of cleaning and rearranging we finally have your room put together. 

I’m trying to think of what’s happened over the last several weeks. Probably the biggest thing was I got sick. It started on January 8th and was the worst cold I’ve ever had—and I’m still not 100% better. I’m still congested. I didn’t think about it until it happened, but being pregnant kept me from taking a lot of my usual medicine that I would normally take. And even taking the cold medicines the doctor said were ok still scared me. It was such a relief when I was well enough for my usual appointment and the ultrasound tech said everything looked good. I was so worried about hurting you.

To make matters worse, I dealt with the cold (and tried home remedies too, like drinking apple cider vinegar, eating chunks of straight garlic, drinking green tea, standing in front of the steam from a tea kettle—anything I could do to try and speed to the cold process up or make it go away!) and then got pink eye. The pink eye was disgusting. And I caught in both eyes. There was just so much mucous, it was inevitable. You would think that would have been the worst of it, but at the end, when the pink eye was healing and the cold had somewhat calmed down, I think I got food poisoning. I don’t think it was the flu, but who knows? All I know is that for two days, I was getting up every hour to go to the bathroom. It was miserable. And you were in my belly. I had to position myself so that I tried to cradle you and not squish you as I was throwing up. And I was so scared that the convulsions were going to send me into early labor or that I was crushing you and hurting you. I was so tired. And as much as I didn’t want to drink or eat, I forced myself to because I didn’t want you or me to get dehydrated. I didn’t want to go to the hospital and risk getting anything else, especially with my immune system being so, so weak. T was really sweet on that first night. He was up with me, rubbing my back and talking me through it. It was rough. He went to work the next day exhausted and I loved him so much for getting up with me in the middle of night, knowing that he’d be tired the next morning.

All of that happened over a two to three week period. We had 4 baby showers for you/us and I was sick for every one of them. Maybe it was a blessing, because I wasn’t strong enough to care about the little things. Everything turned out as it should have. And we are very blessed, and were very blessed by a lot of people. We are so very thankful for those who took time and spent energy and money to celebrate little you.

Before I got sick, we celebrated your auntie Kimberly’s wedding day and T’s big birthday. The wedding was beautiful and for the most part I managed okay at being 8 months pregnant and a bridesmaid—but the day after I sure did catch up on sleep. I loved being with your dad. Have I mentioned to you how much I love him? I can’t wait for you to know your daddy.

Auntie Callyan came into town and I was sick for that too. We didn’t do much. We managed to eat at Memphis-special places like Tops and Corky;s and Muddy’s and Gus’s, but mostly we stayed inside and rested because I couldn’t do much else. I was so tired and still healing. I am so thankful that she came and was able to spend time with us before your arrival.

It was around this same time that your dad got sick. We had left the blow up mattresses up from your auntie's visit and the following weekend we threw up a blanket to darken the living room and popped in Lord of the Rings for a full day of binging. I love your dad so much. It had been so busy with the sicknesses and company and showers that we really needed that time to wind down. It meant so much to soak up time together, even if we were both still under the weather.

One of the showers thrown for us was by your grandmas. They did a great job at throwing a beautiful shower with the most amazing food and games. It was really special, and again we were very blessed by those who attended and gifted us with such amazing gifts.

We are in single digits now! 9 days until your arrival, maybe less if you come early. I think I’ll miss feeling you in my belly, but I am looking forward to seeing your little face and watching your dad hold you. The very best is yet to come and I hope that we can give you the world—or as much of it that matters. We love you, baby.