Your First Month

Dear Ian,

Happy one month birthday, son! A month has already ticked by—and I’ve already forgotten what it was like to be pregnant, what it felt like to have you kick and move in my tummy—so sad! What it felt like in the delivery room, pushing and then when you finally arrived. The feeling when they laid you on my chest for moment before they took you to clean you up. And now here we are. Plumper fingers and toes, little sounds and yawns, grumpy faces, tiny socks, lots of bottles, and being wrapped in blankets... I cannot believe you’ve been with us a month already.

Now you’re bigger.

You’re looking more intently at things.

You’re stretching your arms out more.

Your dad is back at work.

I have 3 months left with you before I go back to work.

Right now you’re in your swing after a big meal, completely zonked. It’s killing me not to hold you right now, but I really wanted to write something to celebrate your first month.

What’s been going on lately?

You and I sleep in together when Dad goes to work. Depending on if you sleep longer than me, I either give you formula or breast milk for breakfast. I hate the way the formula smells and tastes, but sometimes I just can’t keep up with your appetite. I think you’ve hit yet another growth spurt!

You love soft blankets. In fact, I think you sleep better when one is wrapped around you. Speaking of that, we’re doing that wrong, but you won’t sleep any other way—doctors advise against co-sleeping in the same bed, but when we try and put you in your crib or any version of a bed that’s not with us, you cry incessantly. And I hate hearing you cry. You also sleep better with blankets and on your side. We just pray every night that God keeps you safe and nothing happens.

The way you stretch right now really tickles me! Your arch your back way back. Like you’re almost a U-shape and I’m almost afraid you’ll snap yourself in two. Your little head goes back, and then afterwards you look so content. The littlest things you do bring us so much joy.

I think as much as your dad and I tried to imagine what life would be like once you got here, we just couldn’t. We couldn’t imagine all the ways we would feel or how our days and nights would change, or how your grandparents would change. All four of them are completely in love with you, and would love to spend every day with you if we let them. But right now I’m being selfish, wanting you to myself for as long as I can have you before I go back to work. You are my first baby and probably my only baby and I just want to soak up all my uninterrupted time with you.

I think things are a little stressful. We’re a tad sleep deprived. But in the middle of the night when you cry, I remember you’re little and scared and communicating the only way you know how—through crying—and that tempers any frustration I may be feeling and I just go back to feeling so much love for you, like I just want to protect you and keep you from being sad.

You’ve grown out of a couple onesies already, which does make me sad. I knew that was coming, and now it’s here. You’re not our littlest newborn anymore. And when I realize how quickly time has gone by, my mind jumps ahead, thinking about when you’ll be 2...or 5...or 15. And I think about how fast it will all go by.

Your dad and I talk about setting you up for success, believing in you, and wanting the best for you—better than what we had. And we’re devoted to making a better life with better opportunities for you. We both want you to go to college and are making plans to help you. I want for you to establish your own life, be independent, and to be able to take care of yourself. I want you to succeed not for the sake of succeeding, but to find happiness and peace in knowing that 1) you had every opportunity and 2) you took every opportunity (that you wanted or needed to). I never want you to feel like an opportunity was not given to you or that you didn’t have a choice. Like college for your dad and me, we felt like we didn’t have a choice because of money, and we don’t want that to be an issue for you. Your dad and I are going to work hard for you and instill in you the same sense of working hard.  

You just stretched your little left hand to the sky in a big stretch. You’re so cute, and so much more than we could’ve hoped for. We look forward to watching you grow—to see you smile, hear you laugh and talk, watch your eyes take in the world around you. We’re a month out and this is still only the beginning. We love you so much, son.

We love you,

Mom & Dad

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Shift 1

She came back and I got into the hospital bed. She put a fourth of Cytotec inside of me to soften my cervix. She said she’d be back in two hours. Preferably I shouldn’t go to the bathroom, but if I needed to, I could do it after the first hour. She showed Trace how to disconnect me from the baby’s heartrate monitor, and I was also connected to the blood pressure monitor.

After about the first hour and a half I asked Trace to help me up to the bathroom. I think she came in soon after and gave me another dose. It wasn’t long after that I was in so much pain. I remember feeling the first pangs of pain around 3:00 and thinking, “I can wait until she comes back in at 4.” Well, by 4:00 I was in so much pain and I was upset at her because she didn’t come back and check on me. We made it until 4:30 and then buzzed her because I couldn’t take another second.

She gave me stadol for the pain, which immediately made me dizzy. My parents came back at 5:30 and I remember being so uncomfortable that I was short with them. I felt guilty, but I was hurting and drugged up and so uncomfortable and all I wanted to do was be comfortable and have Trace hold my hand.

At 6:15, they gave me the Pitocin. The pain increased and I was desperate for relief. At 6:40 they gave me more stadol and I asked for the epidural. At 7:15 the anesthesiologist came in, apologizing. Whoever was on the previous shift had just left without telling her about me, which in retrospect makes me a little upset, but in the moment I was just happy to see her.

Alycia T nurse

Room 6 Cytotec 9pm and again 4 hours later

Labor drug at 6am

Alycia and second nurse to get IV switched arms still couldn't get it after 3 sticks. 3rd nurse came Iszcha? Eyesha did it on the 4th stick right arm

950 Cytotec

1150 check up

2am second dose cytotec 

Power surge Contractions started 3am

330am power surge Heartbeat monitor went down. Called nurse to fix.

437 Stadol for pain

530 Linfords came in 

615 pitocin 

640 stadol and called for epidural

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Admissions

Once we made it inside the hospital, we walked up to Admissions.

It was very quiet. There were no families in the waiting area. The only person we saw was the nice woman behind the Admissions counter. She was friendly, which helped calm me down. She took my fingerprint and had me sign some forms. I laughed and told her she’d had four very excited grandparents in the waiting room soon. (Little did I know that my labor wouldn’t go as quickly as I hoped, so she’d not get the chance to meet the gradnparents like I thought.) 

She gave me paperwork to pass onto the nurse and buzzed us back into the hospital. We buzzed to enter and a not so friendly staff person took our paperwork and walked us back to the waiting room. It was a weird waiting room. It didn’t seem to match the rest of the hospital as it looked older and outdated. A TV hung on the wall, the floor seemed dirty, and there was a two way mirror where we couldn’t see out. We probably weren’t in there for more than 2 minutes, but it felt like so much longer because I wasn’t sure what was happening. Thankfully soon after a young nurse came in. She was more friendly than the last staff person who had taken our paperwork, so I felt a little bit better right away.

She led us back to our room—Room #6. She asked Trace to wait out in the hall while she asked me some questions. After I answered, she told me to wipe down with a medical wipe and change into the gown, and she’d return in a few minutes.

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Before the Hospital

The 18th of February came and went with no sign of Ian.

Trace and I went about our normal business until Wednesday night. We planned to nap before heading to the hospital around 8:15, but the excitement was too much for us. We laid in bed, talking, and really just spending quality time together, just the two of us. We unwound from a busy week and busy thoughts, and I just enjoyed laying there with Trace, enjoying our last moments together as a family of two.

We talked about the unknowns, the what ifs, our hopes and dreams for our little boy, laying beside each other, just us for the last time.

I had spent the day cleaning and got everything done except vaccuuming, which Trace was nice enough to take care of for me.

He peeled me an orange and fed it to me as I curled my hair. There’s something about curling my hair that even if I’m not wearing any make up, it still makes me feel put together. It was the one thing I did for myself that day to help myself be more comfortable in the hours to come. Afterwards, Trace packed our bags and pillows in the car, we closed and locked the door, and started on our way, not really knowing what to expect except that we would be meeting Ian at the end of it all.

It was weird, taking one last look at our neighborhood and knowing that the next time we’d return that we’d have a little bundle of baby cuteness with us. I held Trace’s hand on the way. And I think we were listening to K-Love on the way. I don’t remember much else about the drive, except that I got a little more nervous the closer we got.

When we arrived at the parking garage, I remember Trace went around and couldn’t find parking because one side was crowded, so we turned around and headed back to a spot close to where we parked when we attended the class. Trace pulled everything out of the car, and I carried the pillows since they were the lightest thing and together we walked towards the hospital.

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What I’ll Miss About Being Pregnant

I wish I had wrote this while I was still pregnant, but now Ian is here and the memories of him being in my belly are quickly fading.

Baby Kicks — I already miss this so much. I knew I would. There’s just no way to adequately describe what that feeling feels like. First the little movements, then the bigger waves of him twisting and dancing in my belly. I remember going on a trip and being in a hotel room by myself, feeling him move and willing him to move again. I would just stare in amazement every time he moved. I loved feeling it. Even when I was at work, sitting in my chair. It was a welcome distraction to feel my little baby moving.

Rubbing My Belly — I loved feeling maternal and rubbing my belly, hoping the baby could feel me. Hoping that he would be reassured that I was just right there. I would do it in the office, I would do it in the car, I would do it at the grocery store—I rubbed my belly everywhere because I loved thinking that he could feel my hands comforting him.

Talking to Him — I’ll miss talking to him, singing to him and reading to him in my belly. I’ll miss Trace talking to him, too. I’ll always treasure Trace putting his ear up to my belly to see if he could hear sounds.

Knowing He’s Safe — My biggest worry was tripping and squishing him in my fall and eating something that could hurt him. Now there’s a whole world out there that could hurt him.

Feeling Pretty — Wearing cute outfits and enjoying my roundness—I loved that I could wear my usual lose clothes except that then I had shape that filled them out. I definitely felt like a cute pregnant person as opposed to a non-pregnant person with a little bit of pudge. I could also wear form fitting clothes without being self-conscious because I was showing off my baby bump.

Parking in the Expectant Mother’s Parking Spot — This was a a nice perk while it lasted. I think we only got to take advantage of it once or twice, but it was so nice!

Little Life — Just knowing that there was a little life inside of me. It was so surreal. I was carrying my baby in my belly!

It’s a crazy reality that now our little guy is here. Right now he’s sleeping in my lap. I love him so much and I never thought I could love him so muh. A coworker told me that she didn’t feel super connected to her baby while he was in her belly, but as soon as he came out—boom! Immediate love, and that’s exactly what happened to me. As soon as they put him on my chest, my heart was full of love for him.

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