The sweetest year in my life was easily 2012.
It was in that year I had worked diligently at knowing who I was (God's beloved daughter), what I was all about (living my life for God), and even though I didn't exactly know what I wanted out of life, I at least knew what I didn't want (a relationship just to fill a void).
But the sweet spot I was in crumbled with the onset of 2013.
When you let someone into your life, when you let yourself be vulnerable, sometimes you get the short end of the stick. I let somebody into my life who hurt me, and not just once, but consistently. They had access to my every-day life and there wasn't much I could do about it. With the added emotional and psychological instability, there were no boundaries and nothing was safe.
For two years I lived in this place of fear, hatred, and uncertainty. And I began to lose who I was. The joyful, always-look-on-the-bright-side, caring, funny girl—I lost her. I could no longer see who I was to God and my perception of myself was dampened. I was insecure, sullen, pessimistic, and started to think, "If someone hates me this much, I really must be an awful person." I saw myself as unworthy. There was a deep shift in personality that reflected two years of inescapable torment.
In 2015, my antagonist was finally, completely out of my life, but the damage was done. They had succeeded and I hated myself. I questioned everything I did, everything I said. And that continued for a long time. Me questioning my intelligence, my worth, and my capabilities. For a while I was really akin to an abused dog—I was always expecting someone to hurt me or lash out. I felt like a prisoner in my own head. I couldn't escape the feeling of oppression.
As with all things though, time passed and as it did, coupled with distance, the wounds started to close. With no one around to constantly bully me, with lots of love and encouragement from friends and family, I became a happier person.
It's taken almost two years to get to this point where I've started to feel like the old me again and I realized I felt this way only a couple of weeks ago.
I was driving home after a good day, singing along with the radio, and I had the thought, "I feel like me again." I feel like me again! The thought caught me off guard. I started smiling because of the overwhelming relief I felt.
I feel happy, but more than that, I feel hopeful again. I'm slowly starting to open up and let people in after a long time of shutting down and shutting people out.
It's really fitting that I'm writing this today, on the anniversary of my one year challenge date. Five years ago I set myself on the trajectory to be someone different. And now I'm changing again. It's like the echo of a former me calling out and celebrating, a new chapter! A new story to tell!
I am so thankful for the healing and growth that have happened so far, and look forward to seeing where I am—and who I have become—a year from today! I'm prayerful that I get to be an even better version of myself. Thank you, Jesus, for all you've brought me through and how I know you'll continue to love me in the trials and celebrations to come.
