Learning More: Cognitive Dissonance

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Cognitive Dissonance. A new term for me.

After reading several articles and watching Youtube videos, it explains why I felt so conflicted during everything with Kevin*. This video and this video do a great job of explaining what cognitive dissonance is and offering some examples, like "I smoke" v. "Smoking is bad." Below are excerpts I pulled out from some online articles, where the lines in bold really stuck out to me:

• One of the key methods of emotional abuse employed by people with narcissistic tendencies is the generalized concept called cognitive dissonance. What this abuse tactic does is create in the target a sense of unreality, confusion, and a mind-set of not trusting his or her own perception of the situation...Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelmed and unbalanced perception.

• Narcissistic abuse is an insidious, covert form of emotional abuse that can happen to unsuspecting individuals who are entangled in a relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities.

Covert. It was never really obvious to others what was happening. It wasn't like I would show up to work with bruises. It was all mental, emotional, subtle.

• People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing. In my individual work with people who have uncovered that they were involved in a romantic relationship with a person with narcissistic qualities, one of the first things we do in psychotherapy is to work together to understand the psychology behind narcissistic abuse recovery. Putting together the pieces of the puzzle and empowering the person to narrate his or her story is essential in the reality testing and support of a survivor of narcissistic abuse...Being able to vocalize or write about the particulars of the experience releases the trauma and enables the survivor to reduce cognitive dissonance and continue with the healing work.

All the above bullets are from Goodtherapy.org. This "Learning More" series is my narration. This is for me to narrate my own story of what happened. I'm sharing this with you, whoever may be reading, or maybe no one. But at least I'm writing it. I feel like I can talk about it now, now that it's been some years and I feel like there is space where I can be open again.

I'm not sure what I'll write today. I'm just going to start and see what comes out.

Most of what I've read is about couples. Well, Kevin was family, a coworker, a friend, and supposedly a brother in Christ.

All of that made the situation extremely difficult, but it was that last part that I had the hardest time reconciling. If we were both Christians, why was everything so horrible between us? That in addition to my own relationship with and love for God made navigating the situation agonizing.

Why did I let the abuse go on for so long? It was nearly two years of every day pain, every day accusations, and bullying.

One reason was family. We were connected by marriage, so it wasn't like things could just end and we could both walk away, never to see each other again. Hello, family gatherings and holidays.

The second was work. We saw each other every day. There was no escape.

And the third reason was I wanted to be a woman after God's heart.

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Matthew 5:39

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

The two verses above and others like them gave me pause and compelled me to forgive and turn the other cheek. I believed that if I couldn't forgive him, then I was a bad Christian. And that's where I feel like Cognitive Dissonance comes in, when you have two conflicting thoughts. The brain works to reach internal consistency. It's like when you feel hungry, you take action toward hunger reduction. The brain works towards dissonance reduction.

So these were some of the thoughts I had and how my brain rationalized them:

I don't want to forgive Kevin v. I don't want to be a "bad" Christian.
What side won? I don't want to be a "bad" Christian.
I continuously forgave Kevin, no matter what he had done. Tantrums, accusations, whatever it was, I forgave him. I rationalized that Kevin was a broken person like the rest of us, and if I were in the same situation that I hoped I would be forgiven as well.

Kevin hates me v. Kevin is nice to me.
What side won? Kevin is nice to me.
In the beginning, the cycle was I would say something that unintentionally hurt Kevin's feelings, he would confront me, I would apologize saying I didn't mean to hurt him, and things would be good for a day until I said or did something else that hurt his feelings (I'll talk about gaslighting in another post soon). I would chalk it up to maybe he was having a bad day, maybe I was insensitive, and with each time, I was, like, maybe that's the last time. Towards the end, Kevin was really mean. He would say mean things, he would do mean things. But then he would also do something nice or act like things were okay, and me, being stupid and thinking everything was better, would accept the apology, feel good that we were at a good place and home, work, and family were not in jeopardy.

Kevin says I'm a horrible person v. I'm not a horrible person.
What side won? I'm a horrible person.
I'm a likable person. Or at least I thought I was. If I'm so likable, how could someone hate me so much? Obviously I must be what they say I am. My brain just couldn't reconcile these thoughts—I can't be both a good person and a horrible person, so I must just be a horrible person. I was always making Kevin angry and I could never do anything right, so I must be awful.

All these thoughts were an orchestra of noise that allowed me to enable Kevin to keep hurting me. I took more and more of the brunt of his insecurities and wound up being hurt pretty badly.

It took me a long time to realize that believing in God didn't mean I had to endure the abuse. I found an article about Christians, forgiveness and trust. I wish I could find it again now, because it empowered me to stand up for myself. Instead of continually forgiving Kevin and allowing him to hurt me, I forgave the past, but changed the future trajectory.

See, we can forgive the people hurting us, we can forgive the past. But the future? The future deals with trust...change in behavior...reconciliation.

Forgiveness isn't a license that gives someone free reign to hurt us as many times as they want. Trust comes in and says NO. Trust has to be earned. And when he called me out and his entire family questioned my Christianity because I would no longer put up with his shit, I stood strong on that. I had had enough. I offered that if his behavior changed, then things could change, but if not, I was under no obligation to let him back into my life.

And when I drew the line, even though I drew it with conviction and renewed determination, that's when things got really bad.

• https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/journal-therapy
• https://blogs.psychcentral.com/savvy-shrink/2017/12/dizzy-on-the-merry-go-round-cognitive-dissonance-after-narcissistic-abuse/
• https://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-place-of-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Learning More: Fear & the Brain

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Kevin* was jealous.

Jealousy, on its own, is not so threatening. We all experience a little jealousy from time to time. The problem was that in addition to experiencing these feelings of jealousy, Kevin was also unstable, irrational, spiteful and violent.

Those aspects of who he was is what made him dangerous.

By the end of the two years he was in my life, I was a wreck. I was living in constant fear that something was going to happen to me and that constant fear changed me.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a conference where the speaker talked about the neuroscience behind empathy. Neuroscience, you say? She said something about the brain changing, and that made me start thinking...

...if the brain can change, did my brain change after two+ years of being in a state of chronic fear? And if it did...

How does chronic fear change your brain? And how does that change you?

Now that I'm researching, I am reading article after article. And with every article I recognize and see a little more of myself. I'm starting to have visibility into what was happening to me and why I am different from who I was before those two years. Here are some things that really struck me:

► Cognitive Dissonance
► Cortisol and the amygdala
► Gaslighting
► Hippocampus and the ability to learn
► Narcissistic abuse

Some of these things hit so close to home, I started crying. Because things finally make sense. Because I'm not alone. Because these things really happened and what I am feeling is legit.

I'm feeling hopeful and encouraged, and I'm looking forward to unpacking these feelings and moving on!!

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims
• https://hackspirit.com/3859-2/
• https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/how-trauma-rewires-the-brain
• http://sideeffectspublicmedia.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear
• https://thepowerofsilence.co/narcissistic-abuse-can-lead-to-brain-damage-neuroscientists-warn/
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse
• https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/06/brainwashing-abusive-relationships

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Learning More: Losing My Voice

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I know I want to focus my next post on how fear changes your brain, but I feel like I need to get this one out first. I need to talk about losing my voice.

Why it happened. When it happened. How it's still happening. But let me back up a little bit.

Have you ever noticed that when someone goes through something big, they begin to measure time by it? Like it becomes their reference point. "Oh, that was before so-and-so," or, "That was after 'it' happened."

'It' for me is Kevin*. Before Kevin I used to measure my life before and after I moved to Memphis. Now Kevin is my reference point. He was supposed to be my friend.

I don't even know what to say or how to start...

Maybe the best way to start is by talking about who I was before Kevin. I was happy. I had a good sense of who I was and what I wanted. I loved people. I loved being helpful and I also knew I was capable of providing help. I loved talking and laughing out loud and encouraging people. I also had a strong relationship with God and knew love through Him, and I trusted Him.

Post Kevin- That's when the self-doubt started. And not like a regular amount of like, "Can I bungee jump off this bridge?" But, like, "Am I good person?" or "Am I worthy of love?" I know. Deep, right? I questioned me. I questioned my motives. I thought I was both a failure and a bad person because I couldn't make someone love me. Hell, I couldn't make someone just not hate me. I couldn't do anything right, and the harder I tried to make it all right, the more it fell apart. I lost myself in process.

Let's be clear here. There was no rational reason for the hatred Kevin felt for me. I knew that even while it all was happening—that his thoughts and accusations were unreal—but it didn't make the pain of having to deal with it any less real.

Kevin was good at putting words in my mouth. He was good at making me into something I wasn't.

"I like dogs," I'd say.

Kevin would say, "Oh, you hate cats?"

And I would say, "I didn't say that."

And he would say, "You wish all cats were dead?"

No joke here. Kevin could go from 0 to 10 instantly, and most times didn't stop until he was at 20.

Emotional abuse is defined as "a form of manipulation used to maintain control in a relationship. This type of abuse may include verbal attacks, humiliation, intimidation, bullying, and isolation. It can cause deep emotional harm that may last for years." Years? Years.

Just reading some of the resources on emotional abuse make me cringe, because I recognize it—really recognize it—now that I'm out of it.

If Kevin had simply hated me and not talked to me, that would have been fine. But this wasn't that. It was so much worse.

Kevin lied to my in-laws.
Kevin would make comments under his breath passing me in the hallway.
Kevin made fake phone calls about me, referencing me or things I was doing, loud enough for others to hear.
Kevin accused me of wanting his significant other.

Every. Single. Thing I said or did was ammunition for something else—another talk, another outburst, another threat, another family dispute, another Facebook post.

I couldn't take it anymore and did the only thing I thought would help. I shut up.

My MIL and I talked about this years later, and she said maybe it would have been good for me to stand up to Kevin, to put him in his place. I knew better. I knew that would only make it worse, because that's what he wanted. He wanted a reason to be outraged, to fight, to feel justified.

So I became silent. In meetings. At work. On Facebook. At family gatherings. I sat. Silent.

This worked, and eventually Kevin was gone, so there was no need to be quiet anymore. But the problem is that it is ingrained in me now. I'm still silent. Trapped. Even though my circumstances are different, the behavior is learned. And now it's taking time and hard work to undo what I've done...to find my voice again.

Writing about it is a start. I've made a promise to myself to write more, to be able to heal. And the more I get my story out, the more weight feels like it's lifted from me.

I hope years from now soon I can look back and say this ugly, beautiful story made me, me, and that I prevailed in spite of pain and fear. I want to be able to say that I was given this beautiful gift that can never be taken away because I fought for it. And I am fighting like Hell for it—for the ability to love myself relentlessly and wholeheartedly in the face of hate/doubt/fear.

https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-unspoken-secrets-about-life-after-abuse-fiff/
https://flyingfreenow.com/six-stages-of-healing-from-emotional-abuse/

*Name has been changed to protect identity.

Learning More: Rejection

Rejection.

I've been thinking about it a lot since Tuesday when I heard Jia Jiang share his own experience with rejection. He started by painting a picture of a day in school. You can watch it here.

As he shared, I started thinking and trying to pinpoint the earliest moments in my life where I felt rejected. Here is what I came up with:

P.P.
A.O. & J.A.
A & J
L.E.
A.C.

And then I thought about the big moments of rejection I've experienced in my older years...

M.
Family
S.
A.
K.

Each of these things, these experiences, I'd say I'm still experiencing because my actions, the choices I'm making today, are based off fear of the past.

These are the lessons I learned, or maybe it's better to call them what they are—the lies I learned and how they have impacted me:

P.P. (2nd grade; age 6)
She was my first friend, and my only friend at that time. We were best friends. One day her family came to school to visit and she told me not to hang out with her, that she wanted to spend the day with her family. I said OK, but then recess came, and I realized I had no other friends and was so lonely. So I hung around the space in the big field where they were playing. I think I was hoping she would see me and invite me over to join in, but instead she got really mad. Afterwards she told me we weren't friends anymore. Excuse me?! We had been best friends for the whole. School. Year. Which in kid time was a long time! I couldn't believe she ended our long friendship over that. There was no forgiveness for little ol' me and that was the end of that.
Lie learned: You make mistakes, you get let go.
Result: Super afraid of making mistakes.

A.O. & J.A. (3rd grade; age 7)
I had managed to make another friend. We sat together, we ate together—she introduced me to ramen, hellur—and I did her homework for her. Yep, we were best friends. Then along came J.A. She was prettier, rowdier, and funnier than me. And just like that, I was displaced and eventually disowned. What really hurt is when I found out they started having slumber parties without me. And it was over pretty much after that.
Lie learned: This friend has [blank] now, she doesn't need me anymore.
Result: As soon as my friend makes a new best friend or expresses their affinity for another friend, I end the friendship. No more texts, no more hanging out. It's just over.

A & J (3rd-4th grade; ages 7-8)

These were the first boys to call me fat. J was the most popular boy in our class. A was not so popular, and yet when he called me "fatty" it didn't hurt any less.
Lie learned: I am fat and I am ugly.
Result: I hate and resent my body, and I keep it covered up.

L.E. (4th grade; age 8)
I had finally made it to the big kid playground! Things were changing, everyone was "growing up" and the group I had managed to get to know was already interested in boys and makeup. I could tell they weren't really interested in me. I think I was bringing down their cool factor (because I was "fat"). One day, L.E. said, "We're going to hang out with the boys today, are you suuure you want to come?" And the way she said it, I could tell she was hoping I'd be scared off and leave them alone.
Lie learned: The group doesn't really want me there. They don't value me. I'm forcing myself on them.
Result: Try to be what the group wants me to be so I fit in OR try to go unnoticed so they can't notice that they don't like me.

A.C. (6th grade; age 10)
My best friend got a new set of friends and I didn't matter anymore.
Lie reinforced: No one wants me.
Result: Stop trying.

M. (9th grade; age 14)
He pretended to be nice to get what he wanted.
Lie learned: People are only nice because they want something from you.
Result: Being paranoid and thinking people have ulterior motives.

Family (2006 & 2015)
Family is only happy as long as you're doing that they want you to do.
They never say they're sorry.
Lie learned: I can't share my true feelings. They don't want to know and won't understand.
Result: I don't open up and I'm never fully myself.

S. (2009)
Lie learned: People will just leave for the next best thing. This is along the same lines of A.O.
Action: Don't get close to people.

A. (2011)
Lie learned: People just leave. I don't matter.
Action: Don't get close to people.

Church friends (2014)
So many of my church friends—people I thought I was close to—did not come to my wedding and did not even RSVP no. This really hurt because it made me question myself and my feelings. We were close, right? We hung out all the time, they knew me, knew my heart...did I just make-believe we were close? Did they mean more to me than I meant to them?
Lie learned: I don't matter. Don't trust my feelings.
Action: Don't get close to people.

K. (2013-2016)
Out of all the hurt and rejection that I've experienced in life, this one is the worst.
I opened myself up.
I let K in.
I forgave K over and over again and again.
I took the abuse.
I took the lies.
And when I stood up for myself, it made things worse.
At work.
At home.
With family.

K hating me made no sense because nothing in the whole situation made sense and I internalized it all.

Don't open up. It'll be used against you.
Don't let people in. You can't trust them.
Don't trust people. They don't care.
Everything I say is analyzed. Say nothing.
The experience of being disliked, being rejected so hard that someone tries to make your life miserable in any way they can. It's insanity!

There was something else that happened too. In addition to all that mess, it separated me from my friends, too. It made me feel so alone, because no one could relate. All the Lifetime-movie-esque type things that were happening to me, and no one could understand. It was like unintentional rejection. I don't know if that makes sense, but when people can't relate to your pain, it's like there's a wall between you and everyone else.

It's 4 years later and I still find myself tearing up, thinking of everything I went through with that. But isn't that the power of rejection? It sticks with you. And it has the power to bring you back to those very painful moments. Some of the events I mentioned above are from 1993 and I still remember those moments so vividly. Jia even said in his talk, "I gotta put that 6 year old boy back in his place."

I think that's one reason I so enjoyed Jia's talk, because of his vulnerability. He put his earliest painful memory out there for us to all share in. He's human. Just like the rest of us.

The other things I enjoyed were how he broke rejection down, to remove its overwhelming scariness, to shrink its monumental stature over our lives:

Rejection is an opinion.
Everyone has a different perspective and has experienced different things, leading them to think and see differently than us. One person's opinion of you is not everyone's opinion of you.

Rejection has a number.
For every one that says no, five will say yes.

We are our own worst rejector.
Let the world reject you, don't reject yourself.

I end this entry knowing that a lot of this post is painful, messy, and unhealthy. This is vulnerability. Putting those things out there, shining light on them. The very reason I'm writing this is because I don't want to be this person anymore. And if I'm honest I don't even know who I am because I've been pushing the pain away for so long.

So that leads me to my ultimate goal. To find me. To find me and to love me. That's the whole reason for this blog—I am seeking out the lovely. A reminder that "Saint Francis and the Sow" by Galway Kinnell is not about one ideal standard of beauty; it's about each of us being lovely and us being reminded of that. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Here is to us loving ourselves!