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I know I want to focus my next post on how fear changes your brain, but I feel like I need to get this one out first. I need to talk about losing my voice.
Why it happened. When it happened. How it's still happening. But let me back up a little bit.
Have you ever noticed that when someone goes through something big, they begin to measure time by it? Like it becomes their reference point. "Oh, that was before so-and-so," or, "That was after 'it' happened."
'It' for me is Kevin*. Before Kevin I used to measure my life before and after I moved to Memphis. Now Kevin is my reference point. He was supposed to be my friend.
I don't even know what to say or how to start...
Maybe the best way to start is by talking about who I was before Kevin. I was happy. I had a good sense of who I was and what I wanted. I loved people. I loved being helpful and I also knew I was capable of providing help. I loved talking and laughing out loud and encouraging people. I also had a strong relationship with God and knew love through Him, and I trusted Him.
Post Kevin- That's when the self-doubt started. And not like a regular amount of like, "Can I bungee jump off this bridge?" But, like, "Am I good person?" or "Am I worthy of love?" I know. Deep, right? I questioned me. I questioned my motives. I thought I was both a failure and a bad person because I couldn't make someone love me. Hell, I couldn't make someone just not hate me. I couldn't do anything right, and the harder I tried to make it all right, the more it fell apart. I lost myself in process.
Let's be clear here. There was no rational reason for the hatred Kevin felt for me. I knew that even while it all was happening—that his thoughts and accusations were unreal—but it didn't make the pain of having to deal with it any less real.
Kevin was good at putting words in my mouth. He was good at making me into something I wasn't.
"I like dogs," I'd say.
Kevin would say, "Oh, you hate cats?"
And I would say, "I didn't say that."
And he would say, "You wish all cats were dead?"
No joke here. Kevin could go from 0 to 10 instantly, and most times didn't stop until he was at 20.
Emotional abuse is defined as "a form of manipulation used to maintain control in a relationship. This type of abuse may include verbal attacks, humiliation, intimidation, bullying, and isolation. It can cause deep emotional harm that may last for years." Years? Years.
Just reading some of the resources on emotional abuse make me cringe, because I recognize it—really recognize it—now that I'm out of it.
If Kevin had simply hated me and not talked to me, that would have been fine. But this wasn't that. It was so much worse.
Kevin lied to my in-laws.
Kevin would make comments under his breath passing me in the hallway.
Kevin made fake phone calls about me, referencing me or things I was doing, loud enough for others to hear.
Kevin accused me of wanting his significant other.
Every. Single. Thing I said or did was ammunition for something else—another talk, another outburst, another threat, another family dispute, another Facebook post.
I couldn't take it anymore and did the only thing I thought would help. I shut up.
My MIL and I talked about this years later, and she said maybe it would have been good for me to stand up to Kevin, to put him in his place. I knew better. I knew that would only make it worse, because that's what he wanted. He wanted a reason to be outraged, to fight, to feel justified.
So I became silent. In meetings. At work. On Facebook. At family gatherings. I sat. Silent.
This worked, and eventually Kevin was gone, so there was no need to be quiet anymore. But the problem is that it is ingrained in me now. I'm still silent. Trapped. Even though my circumstances are different, the behavior is learned. And now it's taking time and hard work to undo what I've done...to find my voice again.
Writing about it is a start. I've made a promise to myself to write more, to be able to heal. And the more I get my story out, the more weight feels like it's lifted from me.
I hope
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-unspoken-secrets-about-life-after-abuse-fiff/
https://flyingfreenow.com/six-stages-of-healing-from-emotional-abuse/
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
