His friends ended the documentary by saying that he never got over the death of his brother and he was with him every day.
Which made me think, sometimes we don't get over some things. We can't make it past the hurt. We just learn to live with it, if we can.
Every day I look at myself and hate the person I've become because of everything with K. It keeps coming back to that. I keep coming back to it. Because it was a turning point in my life. Because it changed who I am. Because there's no going back...is there? There's only moving forward.
But forward means putting up with the fall out. It means hearing my own voice shake and betray me when I feel like I'm not good enough. It means still letting stronger personalities walk all over me. Even when they aren't right. Even when they're hurtful. I hate this weak person that I am, that I let people push me around.
Why am I so scared? It's not the same.
I don't have to worry about others coming to my house and hurting me. Or showing up at work. I am not in the same physical danger I once was.
But even though the people in my life are not as extreme as K, there is psychological warfare. They bully. They're condescending. They're nice to people in power, but they don't care about people who can't do anything for them. Those people do exist.
And even though I'm weak...at least I'm not like them. At least I fight to love people, to make them feel included. Because I know what it's like to be excluded, I want to include everyone.
I don't want to be pushed around anymore. I want to gain my footing and have faith in myself that I'm worthy of love and don't deserve to be hated for no reason. To be treated badly.
How do I learn to stand up for myself? Keep practicing and hold my head high. I am a child of God and He loves me. He fights for me. He keeps me safe. So anyone who messes with me is messing with Him.
Lord, please give me strength for tomorrow. I need You.
