December Intentions

Ooooh, today was a long but good day. And tomorrow is Friday! Woohoo!

Today I worked on my December Intentions. I feel pretty solid on everything I chose. It's everything I would want to do or feel, like being un-offendable. 

For #2 I am good at starting books but never finishing them these days, so I made a goal just to finish one book.

#5 is getting harder now--staying off my personal Instagram. It's been a week now. I don't really know why it's harder. I feel better now. I don't feel the pressure to post pictures for likes and I don't feel sad about not measuring up to others. I am just me. With my own likes and thoughts that I share with my close friends and not strangers or people who are following me but never like anything I post.

I also find that I get the longing to look at Instagram when I'm bored or sitting on the couch in decompression mode. So now that time means I can open my Kindle and get some reading done.

T and I signed up for the movie card today. Excited about more date nights but nervous since I've read mixed reviews about its limitations.

Also our friend group is starting Whole30 on January 8th. I'm looking forward to feeling better and having the accountability. I know T will feel better too.

I've started putting rosehip oil in my hair to see if it helps it grow and get stronger. Man, I am loving these oils from TJ Maxx!

Every day I write I feel better. Just getting my feelings out and reconnecting with myself makes me feel better. LFA wrote on her November Intentions: "Welcome your feelings in, whatever they are. They are valid and the only way to get past them is to experience them."

Quote: Mean People

“Your words will disappear.”

—Sansa Stark to Ramsay, Game of Thrones

Day in the Life 17

Tonight has definitely been a self-care kind of night.

We’re curled up in the dim light of the Christmas tree, where we watched The Santa Clause and ate leftover ham and green beans.

I bought the guide on meal prep—which I am super excited about! It’s perfect for me. It has the recipes for how to prep ingredients and then meal suggestions. I can’t wait to make some of the items she shares. I looked through the booklet while drinking some earl grey tea.

I don’t know how many days it’s been off my personal Instagram, but I really don’t miss it at this point. I feel better. The spirit of comparison has died down and I’m enjoying seeing the world through my blog Instagram—following other bloggers and celebrities.

I’ve started to play with the idea of giving up coffee. What would my daily routine be like without coffee? I wonder how much healthier I’d be. I wonder how much of my mood and personality might change. I wonder how much better I would feel.

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers drinking matcha. Maybe that’s a switch worth making. More matcha, more tea maybe?

Day in the Life 16

I did not wake up wanting to go to church today. Part of me hoped that T would sleep through his alarm so we could sleep in.

We made it to church after the first song had started and I wasn't really even touched by the worship. I couldn't concentrate, I had a million thoughts going through my head. And even when the singles pastor took the stage, I didn't expect my focus to to change. But it did.

Soon he was talking about being in the ICU, experiencing his midnight moment.

It didn't resonate with me at first but as he described what a midnight moment was—a time of utter hopelessness—I realized I've been in a continuous midnight moment for the last four years.

And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of feeling hopeless. And what I found in his message was instruction on how to be hopeful.

And it doesn't come from the changing of circumstances, but the changing of perspective. Singing a different tune, like Paul and Silas in Acts 16:22-30.

It makes sense as to why I've sunk into a deeper and deeper pit—when things got really bad with K, when I stopped being able to communicate, when I completely shut down from people, I shut God out of my life, too. Sure, T and I were attending church—and by attending I mean volunteering so the intake was different since we never got to experience the service, the message, the teaching, since we were always working—but nothing was hitting home. Nothing was sticking with me. Then we stopped attending church all together. This is the farthest I've been from God since letting Him in to my life in 2010ish.

Some notes that I took:
—You will only remember what you study. If you haven't been studying, you won't know the song to sing to keep you focused with a destiny perspective. Is your default song one of complaining and criticism?
—Premeditate your praise. Make up your mind about what to sing before the dark hours and days come.
—Your circumstances should not dictate your disposition.
—Your perspective can prohibit your praise.
—You never know who is watching you, who stands the chance of being changed by how you act and react.
—Although you cannot see if, God works the midnight shift.

If you'd like to view the message, you can here.

Day in the Life 15

Black Friday sales! Woop woop! I ended up getting a lot of things I've been looking at for a while.

—Baggu
—Glossier
—Truffle

Thankful for the sales. I still have to shop for T's stocking stuffers and get ready for Christmas. I'm so excited about the upcoming holiday.

And I'm so thankful for today. We didn't do much and it felt so nice to just relax. We stayed in our jammies, ate leftovers, watched The Christmas Prince and Home Alone. This is a day worth treasuring. We don't normally get to spend much time together, much less where we're not cleaning the house, doing laundry, or doing dishes.

Also I think this is either Day 2 or 3 of not being on my personal Instagram, and I already feel better. I did fumble and accidentally click on my personal handle instead of my blog handle and quickly switched back. I'll admit there was a second where I thought about looking at the feed, but I quickly dismissed that thought and jumped back to my blog Instagram, replete with fashion bloggers and celebrities.

Day in the Life 14

Today was Thanksgiving and it was such a great day.

I think it was so great, we forgot to take any real group pictures of the family.

The day went by quickly and the food was great. So was the family time.

T made a video of the day—however I hate the way I look and I hate the sound of my voice. I hate that those things take away from the video itself. Hoping one day I'll get it over and love the video for what it is—a treasured memory of the family's time together.

Day in the Life 13

Every time I watch This is Us and the story focuses on Kate—especially little Kate—I identify.

This last episode shared how she wanted to go to music school but didn't share with her mom out of fear of disappointment. I think that is the theme throughout my life, not going for stuff and not telling anyone out of fear of not succeeding and fear of disappointing others. Hope seems to be a bad thing when the ending is disappointment.

Maybe one day it won't be this way. Maybe as she works through her stuff, I'll be on the other side of the screen doing the same.

Day in the Life 12

Today I finished the black and white photo challenge on Instagram, and it was really eye opening to me.

After today, I'm staying off Instagram for a month. So I guess right before Christmas is when I'll be back. If I ever come back to Instagram, that is.

I'm reading this book about this woman who stayed off the internet for a year. For a year. And she survived. I haven't gotten to the part of the book where she talks about being better for it, but I can only imagine the benefits. Not having to live up to any unspoken expectations, no wondering why your pictures don't get likes, no feeling sad for yourself—no more!

I know there's more to life than likes.

Like actually living life without wondering if a picture is post-worthy. Like actually telling my friends about what's been going on in my life instead of posting it.

Social media sites can be so cruel. They make you feel like you're connected to people without actually being invested in them. It's false intimacy and voyeurism at its finest.

So we'll see where I am in a month. I'm not giving up YouTube or Facebook—just Instagram, so we'll see how this little project goes. Oh, and I'll have this blog where I keep up with my thoughts daily. And you guys know I'm all about challenges.

Day in the Life 11

Why am I silent
I've forgotten how to talk to people
Lost the ability to communicate

Do you ever go down a rabbit hole on Google?

Maybe rabbit hole isn't the right term, because I feel like that implies you're not really looking for something.

But something's happened to me within these last two years and I don't like the person I am—silent.

Like absolutely silent.

When I'm in groups or around certain people I have no desire to share or be vulnerable, which I don't like that I don't trust those people enough to not be that way.

With my friends and with other people, I actually talk. It's a night and day difference. And it all boils down to trust. Being able to trust people with my thoughts and with my feelings.

So I Googled, "Why am I silent?"

Which led to "I've forgotten how to talk to people..."

Which led me to search for "I've lost the ability to communicate."

It led me to this Ask Alice article and in the first few sentences I was, like, "ME, ME, so ME!"

"For some reason, you seem to have become extremely self-conscious in social situations, which can feel awful, uncomfortable, and counterproductive...It might also be useful to see if you can pin this change in your social comfort level on a specific incident, a feeling triggered by an observation or realization, or a humiliating experience. Has anything happened to you in the past year that made you feel very embarrassed in a social circumstance? Have you perhaps gained some new awareness of a characteristic of yours that is making you socially self-conscious? Have you been openly rejected by someone recently? Any of these types of occurrences might set off a physical reaction to the social discomfort you are currently experiencing."

So of course this made me think. Back when everything was happening, I remember C saying to me, "Beware immediate intimacy." Up until K I shared everything about myself with people I thought cared about me and s/he was the first one to ever use that against me and in such a horrific way. There was another incident that happened later on with someone else, where I was telling them something important about me and my history and they were basically chose to ignore me and start on something else.

I guess this plays into my knowing the person and knowing the moment and being able to tell when people are open to listening and learning about you.

Sometimes people are never open to learning about you. And that doesn't mean you're any less worthy of being listened to. It just means find your people—the ones who will listen to you with care and understanding.

Be selective.

Not everyone belongs in your circle. Not everyone should belong in your circle.

Day in the Life 10

Today T and I went to church. And there were so many good moments.

Like when the two worship leaders talked about how they went from having differences and not getting along to finally appreciating each other and their differences.

Or like when E talked about why she shares her emotion when she sings. She held her feelings in as a  young girl. Being different—4'11" in kindergarten, crooked teeth, and unacceptable clothes.

And it occurred to me that maybe the reason I feel so detached from my days is because I don't spend time reflecting or taking in my day like I did during the OYC. When I went through the OYC, I processed everything and I took time to appreciate (or not appreciate) what I was experiencing.

This makes sense to me now, because in the thick of it, when I stopped wanting to feel or process things when 2014-2016 was happening, of course I didn't want to relive anything. Experiencing the day once was enough and I tried to forget everything that happened. And I got so used to blocking things out that I have started blocking everything out, even the good things.

So maybe this is my path. Whatever happens in a day, good or bad, spending some time here to reflect on it.

I need to find myself again. No more pushing myself down or keeping myself from moving on. No more taking in people's negative comments. If I can grow from them, yes, then that's one thing. If they're just saying them to be mean, then no. There's got to be love behind the criticism.

So here's to my soul search.

Blank Canvas

It has been such a struggle to write anything lately. I think it's because I struggle with vulnerability, which is so different than how I used to be.

I think it's also because I've realized that I don't want people's pity. What I want is simply understanding. Keep your sympathy. Bring me instead your empathy. Let me know I'm not a weirdo, that I'm not an outlier.

I just started reading Brené Brown's Braving the Wilderness. She talks about the moments that impacted her, that started her down the path of feeling like she didn't belong. When I think back to these moments in my own life, these include:

High School- M/K

Right before I left California- Mom/Dad

When I started believing in God- S/K

Right before I got married- K

The last one, aside from my family hurts, is the one that hurt the most. This is a little funny to me, only in that in every moment mentioned before that, I remember saying to myself, "I will never experience a greater pain than this." But this last one, what a doozy. It's the worst because it literally changed me. It shut me down and made me feel the most alone I've ever felt. And that's a pain I will carry with me until I can let go of it, because no one I've met can empathize with what happened.

And at 32, I still find myself not fitting in, feeling so different. So like high school all over again. And it's lonely. And exhausting. Feeling different is exhausting.

I really enjoyed Brené's "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)"—it meant a lot to me to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with overcoming shame. I'm excited for what I'll learn in this current book...maybe being able to see myself more clearly instead of through the lens of past hurts that I can't seem to shake.

Somewhere, somehow I need to learn to love myself on this long road to belonging. Brené shares an interview with Maya Angelou:

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?

MAYA ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?

MAYA ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and the courage very much. And—when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t—that doesn’t please me, then I have to deal with that.

I titled this post "Blank Canvas" but it's not quite that simple. I see this new season as a blank canvas, but the canvas isn't new and stark white with no blemishes on it. Instead it's a canvas where the artist decided to start over and repainted it white in an attempt to start fresh. Some shades and shapes show through the new glaze of ivory, but it doesn't mean it's unusable. The remnants will remain underneath the new layer of paint, but what will come is something new.

An Enneagram: The Helper

The Helper

istock/vernonwiley

Your Enneagram personality type is the Helper. You need to love and feel loved. You're the most trustworthy of all the types and your naturally enjoy helping others. You fear being under appreciated and you often overcompensate by giving more of yourself. You're naturally humble and you thrive on others noticing your good deeds. All you need is a little appreciation and your potential to help others is endless. You're a natural saint with deep emotional intelligence. Could you be the next Mother Teresa? We think so!

OYC Anniversary

Six years ago today I made a choice to stop dating for a year.

If you read that sentence without knowing any of my back story, that sounds so simple. Like maybe it's not worthy of celebration. But it is—I can say it after living it, it definitely is worth celebration. There was nothing tiny about it at the time. For a 20-something, living in the south where everyone was getting married young, for someone who had always been co-dependent and started dating at 14—it was a big freaking deal.

And you know what? I made it.

It hurt, it was painful, but it was wonderful and I wouldn't take back any of it.

Now at 32, life looks completely different.

I'm married. We own a house. We're talking about having kids—who am I? I don't think at 26 I would've imagined I'd make it here. But here I am.

And now being on the other side, the only thing I can think about saying in regards to this anniversary is...

On to the next challenge!

And really what I mean is just be prepared as best you can, because once you’ve overcome one challenge, there’s another waiting just behind it. That’s life.

Every season has a new challenge. Whether it’s singleness, work, family, being a mommy, or anything else, you are never done learning and growing.

Don't get me wrong—life isn't JUST about challenges. It's beautiful, it's about having fun, it's about enjoying who you are as a person and those around you and all those many experiences that life provides, but growth is a constant factor. You want to be one of those older, wiser 80 year women or men you admire when you see them out at a diner or in a store? Well, keep learning, growing, and not backing down from what life throws at you and you'll get there.

Learning is constant. There is always another challenge waiting to knock at your door. Don't run away from it. Pursue it and be determined to come out on top.

I thought being single was the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. And then 2013-14 happened where I lost myself. Everything that happened could have been a perfect plot for a telenovela, y'all. And even on the days I felt like giving up—and even on the super painful days where I cried out loud, "I give up!"—despite those moments and declarations, I got up the next morning and pushed through the pain.

This post is a reminder for me (and for you if you need it like I need it) that some seasons of life aren't typically beautiful. The beauty part may come afterwards, and even though you can't see it in the midst of everything, know that it is coming. You just can't give up.

Looking at my old blog I found this picture (circa 2011). I remember taking it, editing it and posting it. It is just as much a reminder now as it was then... Do not give up. Even when you want to, even when it's difficult to keep going, keep going.

Becoming a Minimalist Part II

I think by now it's been a couple years since I started this project. Unfortunately I haven't captured much of the journey like I intended.

This weekend has been great though. It's given me a lot of steam to keep going.

On Friday, T and I pulled the Christmas stuff down from the attic. Last Christmas we konmari'd all our holiday festiveness. We went from all the bins and boxes to one large bins and two small ones. And you know what? This year, Christmas was up in a couple hours. We had let go and organized all of our things so well that it wasn't the headache I remember it being last year.

And that felt really good.

Like, I'm-so-encouraged-I-can-konmari-the-house-all-over-again good. And I kind of have.

I went through my bookcase again. Dumped some chosen books into the box for giveaway items, added them to my Kindle-buy-again-digitally-one-day wishlist and looked at my dwindling bookcase with glee. Eventually I'd like to be able to give up most of my books and use the bookcase for other mementos and picture frames.

In my bedroom I reshuffled some things and I bought 15 clear shoe box containers to keep my shoes pretty. I got rid of more sandals, a few more tops, said goodbye to an old robe and then cleaned out whatever was in the trunk at the end of our bed.

Y'all, this feels good. I almost feel like our little home is finally the home-y type feel I've always wanted it to be. The dining room where we'll spend Thanksgiving has its curtains up; we have a new bed with new sheets; we have a small loveseat to host more people—all of this makes me so happy, because we put a lot of thought into how to intentionally decorate our home. And what I mean by that is instead of saying, "I like this, I'm going to buy it and find a place for it later," asking, "What does this space need?"

I think that is what minimalism has meant to us—buying less and thinking very intentionally before we buy something.

I feel like we have a really good handle on things right now and if it this is what our home looks like now, I can't wait to see it in the next 6 months, the next year. It's always improving and we're always challenging ourselves to improve with it.

When was the last time you challenged yourself and felt successful about it?