Why am I silent
I've forgotten how to talk to people
Lost the ability to communicate
Do you ever go down a rabbit hole on Google?
Maybe rabbit hole isn't the right term, because I feel like that implies you're not really looking for something.
But something's happened to me within these last two years and I don't like the person I am—silent.
Like absolutely silent.
When I'm in groups or around certain people I have no desire to share or be vulnerable, which I don't like that I don't trust those people enough to not be that way.
With my friends and with other people, I actually talk. It's a night and day difference. And it all boils down to trust. Being able to trust people with my thoughts and with my feelings.
So I Googled, "Why am I silent?"
Which led to "I've forgotten how to talk to people..."
Which led me to search for "I've lost the ability to communicate."
It led me to this Ask Alice article and in the first few sentences I was, like, "ME, ME, so ME!"
"For some reason, you seem to have become extremely self-conscious in social situations, which can feel awful, uncomfortable, and counterproductive...It might also be useful to see if you can pin this change in your social comfort level on a specific incident, a feeling triggered by an observation or realization, or a humiliating experience. Has anything happened to you in the past year that made you feel very embarrassed in a social circumstance? Have you perhaps gained some new awareness of a characteristic of yours that is making you socially self-conscious? Have you been openly rejected by someone recently? Any of these types of occurrences might set off a physical reaction to the social discomfort you are currently experiencing."
So of course this made me think. Back when everything was happening, I remember C saying to me, "Beware immediate intimacy." Up until K I shared everything about myself with people I thought cared about me and s/he was the first one to ever use that against me and in such a horrific way. There was another incident that happened later on with someone else, where I was telling them something important about me and my history and they were basically chose to ignore me and start on something else.
I guess this plays into my knowing the person and knowing the moment and being able to tell when people are open to listening and learning about you.
Sometimes people are never open to learning about you. And that doesn't mean you're any less worthy of being listened to. It just means find your people—the ones who will listen to you with care and understanding.
Be selective.
Not everyone belongs in your circle. Not everyone should belong in your circle.
