Today T and I went to church. And there were so many good moments.
Like when the two worship leaders talked about how they went from having differences and not getting along to finally appreciating each other and their differences.
Or like when E talked about why she shares her emotion when she sings. She held her feelings in as a young girl. Being different—4'11" in kindergarten, crooked teeth, and unacceptable clothes.
And it occurred to me that maybe the reason I feel so detached from my days is because I don't spend time reflecting or taking in my day like I did during the OYC. When I went through the OYC, I processed everything and I took time to appreciate (or not appreciate) what I was experiencing.
This makes sense to me now, because in the thick of it, when I stopped wanting to feel or process things when 2014-2016 was happening, of course I didn't want to relive anything. Experiencing the day once was enough and I tried to forget everything that happened. And I got so used to blocking things out that I have started blocking everything out, even the good things.
So maybe this is my path. Whatever happens in a day, good or bad, spending some time here to reflect on it.
I need to find myself again. No more pushing myself down or keeping myself from moving on. No more taking in people's negative comments. If I can grow from them, yes, then that's one thing. If they're just saying them to be mean, then no. There's got to be love behind the criticism.
So here's to my soul search.
