I did not wake up wanting to go to church today. Part of me hoped that T would sleep through his alarm so we could sleep in.
We made it to church after the first song had started and I wasn't really even touched by the worship. I couldn't concentrate, I had a million thoughts going through my head. And even when the singles pastor took the stage, I didn't expect my focus to to change. But it did.
Soon he was talking about being in the ICU, experiencing his midnight moment.
It didn't resonate with me at first but as he described what a midnight moment was—a time of utter hopelessness—I realized I've been in a continuous midnight moment for the last four years.
And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of feeling hopeless. And what I found in his message was instruction on how to be hopeful.
And it doesn't come from the changing of circumstances, but the changing of perspective. Singing a different tune, like Paul and Silas in Acts 16:22-30.
It makes sense as to why I've sunk into a deeper and deeper pit—when things got really bad with K, when I stopped being able to communicate, when I completely shut down from people, I shut God out of my life, too. Sure, T and I were attending church—and by attending I mean volunteering so the intake was different since we never got to experience the service, the message, the teaching, since we were always working—but nothing was hitting home. Nothing was sticking with me. Then we stopped attending church all together. This is the farthest I've been from God since letting Him in to my life in 2010ish.
Some notes that I took:
—You will only remember what you study. If you haven't been studying, you won't know the song to sing to keep you focused with a destiny perspective. Is your default song one of complaining and criticism?
—Premeditate your praise. Make up your mind about what to sing before the dark hours and days come.
—Your circumstances should not dictate your disposition.
—Your perspective can prohibit your praise.
—You never know who is watching you, who stands the chance of being changed by how you act and react.
—Although you cannot see if, God works the midnight shift.
If you'd like to view the message, you can here.
