Top Moments and Memories of 2017

Last sunset of 2017, and it is almost time to welcome in 2018. And not to wish away the year too eagerly, because there was definitely a lot worth celebrating, but I am ready for the mindset of what opportunities a new chapter will bring. Before I get too far ahead of myself, I do want to share some of the big moments and memories of 2017. I know I’ll enjoy looking back at these and be able to see how far we’ve come when we look back at all the things.

Accomplishments

Debt free (jan) & New Job (may) & Promotion (aug)

• In January we rung in the New Year as being debt free and it felt so good. It was all my debt from prior years—thank the Lord for a husband with financial skills and discernment! Also, we now own both cars, which was also a major financial relief.

• T went for and got a new position. He is much, much happier now. As for me, I also was promoted this year, which was special for so many reasons.

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House

New stove (feb) & Magnolia bench pew (jun) & settee

• Our biggest home purchase this year was our new stove. Our old stove was failing to heat, and so instead of spending money and time tinkering to fix it, we opted to just buy a new stove. It was so worth it.

• For decor, we added two new big pieces—a bench I saw at TJ Maxx and immediately fell in love with. My parents bought it for me as a very generous birthday gift. For our living room, I had begun wanting additional seating and one day we walked into Dirt Cheap and found really nice love seats for $100. Sold. We managed to fit it just barely into T's CRV and headed home with a love seat I've loved (and the dogs, too—it's their new spot) ever since.

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Health

Minimalizing & Whole30 & winning a Fitbit (oct)

• I can't remember what year we are on with minimizing our life, but this year we continued to remove more items from our home. I feel like we finally reached the point where we could enjoy our hard work, because the house suddenly seemed so spacious. This was due in part to deceasing what we have and being selective with what we bring in. We’re definitely more thoughtful, thinking more long term now than ever before. T has always been really good at this anyway, so it's been more of a change in a state of mind for me.

• In February, we started and finished Whole30 for the first time. It was an amazing experience, because we felt so much better and healthier then. We both lost significant amounts of weight, slept better, could think better, and just overall it put us in a better state of being.

• I won a very cool thing that I was excited about winning—the Fitbit HR! It was my first time to win something that I wanted and something that I would actually use. I’m looking forward to bringing it with me to Italy.

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Recreation

New Orleans (may) & Wilco (sep) & Minneapolis (oct) 

• For our kind-of anniversary, we went to New Orleans for a quick getaway.

• T loves Wilco and we had the opportunity to see them in September. I wasn’t as taken with them, but I am so glad we were able to experience it together..

• I finally visited my best friend in Minneapolis.

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Community

GM’s Wedding & SW’s Baby & T and N &  & church

• GM got married and it was honestly one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. And more importantly I am so happy for her and her family!

• S had her baby—a miracle and answer to prayer! I am so thankful for this friendship and that God blessed our friends with a beautiful baby girl.

• T and I were blessed with a new friendship—T & N. They have been such a blessing to our lives and I hope we are friends for the long haul.

• Little frustrating, but when it comes to church, we still haven't found a church home. It's really hard to be disconnected once you become used to having that second family in your life. I'm praying that we'll find where God wants us to be and be able to connect asap.

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Family & Marriage

Dogs turned 10 & 3rd year of marriage & dad car accident & Baby H

• Both our pups turned 10 this year. Thankful that they haven’t had any health issues. Cheeyo looks the same to me, but Paris has grown out more white, like the opposite of a raccoon mask, around her eyes and mouth. She’s slowed down for the most part, not a lot of jumping or roughhousing, mostly she just wants to cuddle and be around people. She enjoys the settee we bought, but always prefers a lap when available.

• Celebrated 3 whole years of marriage and we haven’t killed each other yet! Success! It’s close some days. I think blessedly T and I are very laidback people, we have fun together, ultimately we’re there for each other, and yet it’s still an adjustment to have someone in your space all the time. Overall, I think we’re doing really well and we love each other and choose to love each other every day.

• My family moved here in Sep 2016, so they just saw their first whole year in Memphis fly by. Two big things happened: Dad got into his first car accident while it was raining and then on Memorial Day we experienced the worst power outage since I moved here in 2006. It was rough, but not as bad as it could have been. My brother is adjusting, and it’s been nice to spend quality time with him. We were able to take him to the Star Wars: The Last Jedi movie, which I loved being able to do with him. The family also experienced their first snow early on when they moved here.
• At Christmas, T and I revealed that we are thinking about trying to have a baby after Italy. This has been fun for both sets of parents to day dream and think about cuddling a grand baby in the future.

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Me

Hand lettering & blogging & actively working on myself & eyebrows

• Hand lettering — I started practicing hand lettering. It takes so much skill and some people it is just so natural. I will continue to try and hone my skills.

• Blogging — I vowed to start writing again. I knew it would help as an outlet since everything with K happened and that mentally I really needed a place to share my life. It has been on and off this year, but it’s been a lot more than years previous and I’m grateful that somehow I am making time and using my energy to begin to write again.

• Actively working on healing and loving myself — With everything that happened between 2014-2015, I was really depressed. I only started to come out of it, early this year. I got to the point where I wanted to and thought I finally had enough energy back that I felt like I could make a change. And here I am, reading all the blogs, listening to the wisdom of friends and family, reading Brené Brown, and crying and laughing along the way. Something else that has been difficult for me is my physical appearance. I’ve always felt ugly, but this year I decided to grow my eyebrows out and surprisingly, it. Is. A. Long. Process. You think it would be quick, but it’s like when you decide you want your brows to grow out, that’s when they decide to slow down.

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Best Purchases

Rothy's & Longchamp (mar) & iPad mini & Airpods & Moviepass & Byta & Baggu

• We were blessed to be able to afford some extra items this year. Looking for comfortable flats? Rothy’s. Need a roomy bag that can travel with you anywhere and isn’t cumbersome to do so? Longchamp. Need a lightweight cup to carry with you in an effort to be green and reduce waste? Byta. Tired of plastic bags that crud up the environment? Baggu. I absolutely love my iPad mini and use it daily. I wanted it because I wanted something small enough to bring to Europe with us. AirPods was another item on my wishlist—easy. Items on my wishlist are usually things that I perceive will make my life easier. At work, I keep my headphones on to help me work, but my phone would fall on the ground when I would roll my chair back or swivel—it was irritating! Plus I love the shape of Apple’s earbuds. The last thing I’ll mention is Moviepass. This has been a fun subscriptions and we’ve seen more movies in the last month than we have all year, because we don’t have to worry about wasting money on potentially horrible movies.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget all the blessings in a year and just move on. Looking back at this brings me some joy because we actually ended up doing, seeing, and receiving a lot. Just thanking Jesus for all His many blessings and I can’t wait to see what’s to come in the following year. Happy New Year, y’all!

Christmas 2017

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

T and I had so much fun this Christmas, and I am so thankful that he took over wrapping gifts, because my back has been hurting lately. He did a beautiful job and even had personalized cards for everyone. It meant a lot that this year that I could relax without worry of having to overexert myself.

We spent Christmas Eve day with my family. This was their second Christmas since moving to Memphis. They cooked turkey, ham, potatoes and some casseroles for lunch. We ate and watched A Christmas Story together for the first time. After, we opened gifts. Small things this year—a dog treat launcher, mittens, Starbucks, and t-shirts. The best gift we gave them was at the end of the night when we told them we may start trying to have a baby after our Italy trip. They played it cool, but I knew they were excited. We talked about them helping with the baby and decorating a room in the house. Then we said our goodbyes and left to head to T's parent's home.

When we arrived, T's mom made us grilled cheese sandwiches for a late snack and then we watched Meet Me in St. Louis before heading to bed.

On Christmas morning, T woke his parents up. His dad had been suffering with a kidney stone all night long, so they were a little tired. We went downstairs to open gifts. We tried to record everything, but the camera kept saying the battery was dead—but both batteries had just been fully charged the night before! Ugh! So we made it through with our iPhones. My favorite gifts were my Airpods and second pair of Rothy's. My favorite gifts I gave to T were his Pixel glasses and Hot Ones hot sauces. We also got his mom a really nice blanket and a new cup for his dad.

Later on, my family joined us and the talk of the afternoon was about babies—all things baby. Grandbaby fever all around! And after the hubbub, we decided to go see a movie. We decided on Downsizing, which was really disappointing.

Some of my favorite memories were T’s mom’s spaghetti and her homemade gingerbread cookies. I loved T’s reaction when his saw his glasses and his brother and his girlfriend made some really yummy Christmas treats. Overall, it was a great holiday and I was sad to see it end. Looking forward to next Christmas already!

What was your favorite gift to give this year?

Day in the Life 23

I am sitting here reminiscing about my mid-to-late twenties when I had a blog and I somehow was able to write a post every day. Every day. How?! How did I have the time and energy to do that?

Every day I intend to pick up my laptop and write at least something, but somehow it gets away from me. After a long day, I just want to curl up and relax. I want to turn off my mind.

Anyway, back to writing today. This week was long, but somehow I made it through.

Yesterday was really great. I slept in, because I really needed to and when I woke up T made me a cup of coffee that I drank...slowly and happily. Then we got ready and were on our way to the theater to see our second movie since signing up with Moviepass. We went to go see Thor, which we both loved. And we're really happy with how Moviepass has worked out. It took about a month from first signing up to being able to see a movie, but the wait was worth it.

After the movie, we gorged ourselves on wings and fries from Wing Stop. It was so good! Can I tell you I'm both ready and not ready for Whole30, which we're starting January 8th. I'm ready to feel better again, but I'm not ready to give up junk food.

Current music in rotation is:

Current TV we're watching:

Why I Don't Drink

Not drinking is a really abstract concept.

Any time I tell someone I don't drink I can tell that something switches off in their head and suddenly there's a disconnect between me and that person, like whatever bond we could have had has already been severed. I know that's sounds extreme, but I've experienced it more than once.

I gave up drinking in 2014, so it's been 3 years now. Honestly, I don't miss it. What I do miss is the social aspect of it and how if you drink, you're automatically accepted into a group. But let's get real here, I've been different and living on the outskirts of normal since I can remember. I may as well get comfortable with it, because it's always been this way. Me being different. Anyway, I diverge.

The three big reasons I don't drink are family, health, and money.

Family is a deep pocket when it comes to alcohol. I won't mention T's family history here out of respect, but as far as my own I think both sides of the my family have struggled. And I remember when I was young understanding that my grandfather had a choice between giving up drinking and living longer or continue drinking and die, and he chose the latter. Which, whether he meant it to or not, spoke volumes to the family about where they stood in his life and his heart.

As far as personally, I am sharing this here and now because I think there is a stigma associated with being an alcoholic. And people are also apathetic. They don't care. I've had people shrug me off when I tell them my husband is a recovered alcoholic like it's nothing. Like, excuse me?

First, I can't tell you the bravery it takes for someone to stand up and say, "I've got a problem," and actually do the work it takes to FIX IT. And "I'm going to fix it despite that choosing to do so will make me different from the outside world...Forever." It's choosing to fix yourself at the cost of not fitting in anymore.

Second, it is really at the cost of having normal relationships with people. No one wants to hang out with the people who don't drink. And the people who don't drink don't like being the only sober people in a group of people who get drunk. The drunk debauchery isn't cute when you're sober. So what happens? Your relationships end up changing naturally.

Third, it takes some damn good discipline to not fall back into it when it's EVERYWHERE. Could you not eat chocolate for the rest of your life if your livelihood and family-life depended on it? Just think about it like that.

The second biggest reason I don't miss drinking is health. You know how many calories I don't consume because I don't drink? All the beers, all the greasy food for hangovers, all the wine... I used to come home or go out and have a drink every night. Those, my friend, are calories that I gladly spend on delicious morsels of food now. And even beyond the physical health, there's the mental wellness aspect. If you're having to drink to help you relax at a party or at the end of the night every night, there's some co-dependency there. Removing the alcohol makes you work through your emotions and what you're feeling. Remember, alcohol doesn't get rid of your problem, it just temporarily numbs you and then you're back at the start when you've sobered up.

Biggest, last reason for not drinking is money. The cost itself, ugh. I'm thinking of the weekly bottle of wine or specialty cocktails at a restaurant that cost as much as an entree. I don't miss the large bills at the end of the night and all the money that would be thrown down the toilet on drinks.


I'm sure this post sounds like I'm condemning people who drink—I'm not. What I am condemning is the lack of compassion and understanding for people who don't drink and who don't understand the implications of the decision or why someone might not be a drinker. It is no small choice.

If anything here has resonated with you, if you're thinking about living the non-drinking life, I found and liked this: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-ways-kickstart-your-alcohol-free-life-mark-henson

Day in the Life 22

This last week was a whirlwind. It was one of those weeks where I only had enough energy to focus on the very next day only.

On Wednesday T and I had dinner with friends at Elwood’s Shack and then we came home and played a couple games. Now my only goal when we play games is that T doesn’t win. I don’t care if I win, but I definitely don’t want T to have any bragging rights. Well, he didn’t win the first game, but I was so disappointed that somehow he won the second. Ugh ugh ugh. Next time I’ll watch him a little closer.

On Thursday. T and I took my brother to see the new Star Wars movie with us. It was such a fun experience and I’m glad that my brother is here now so we can do things like this. We got there early and played games of hangman with my handy dandy mini notebook I bring with me. I think he had fun and the movie itself was awesome. T and I will definitely be going back to see it again, especially now that we finally have our MoviePass cards and they’ve been activated.

I am in love with essential oils—have I told you all this already? In. Love. One of the shops I discovered via an Instagrammer I follow is Little Shop of Oils. I decided to buy her Mermaid Hair spray, headache oil, anxiety oil, and zodiac oil. They’re part of my stocking stuffers now, so I don’t get to enjoy them just yet, but I am super excited about them!

This weekend has been nice, but quick. I didn’t have a chance to sleep in on Saturday, but even that was okay. We had lots of errands to run and our first stop was Kohl’s. That was quick enough, but unfortunately when we came out T’s battery was completely dead. Luckily he had his portable battery and after a few attempts the car finally started and we headed to Autozone. We met some nice people, got his battery changed, and headed on our way. From Kohl’s to Autozone then Steinmart and TJ Maxx and we finished the trip with a pizza from The Fresh Market.

Today we woke up early and went to church. I’m excited about the candlelight service next Saturday. It’s one of my favorite services ever. After church we went to Walmart for groceries and Target for some final Christmas shopping. Phew. It’s been fun buying gifts, but I wish I had planned better this year. Normally I’m buying gifts throughout the year to save myself time, but this year I’ve just been so tired I couldn’t manage that.

Tomorrow is Monday—at least Christmas is not far behind. I’m looking forward to the quality time with family and T.

Day in the Life 21

Last night T and I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This was the first time I ever watched it. Tonight we're watching another movie from the 80s—License to Drive.

Time to wind down — I'm slowly figuring out what things or activities really help me relax. I love oils so much. To put on my skin. For the diffuser. For my hair. Love, love, love.

When it comes to feeling left out, found some helpful thoughts:
-Commiserate and get over it
-Coping with being left out
-FOMO in the office
-Being self-aware

It's been two weeks or so since I've been on Instagram. And it feels good! It's been hard and I've found myself fighting the urge to sign on, but I also am not feeling feelings of being less-than or comparing myself to others. And it's making this all worthwhile.

How am I keeping up with my December intentions? Well, I've definitely missed a few days of writing. There have been a couple of times I've felt myself being offended. BUT to be clear, there's a difference between being just offended and standing up for myself or what's right.

Day in the Life 20

• Paint by numbers — I was really surprised by a sweet gift today! Someone sweet got me a coloring book where you paint with water. It was so sweet. I think that's the sweetest gift I've gotten since my friend bought me my byta cup. I do want to mention that T's mom also got me a cute Christmas pillow. I really want to take a moment to celebrate these generous gestures and the people that made them. It's not every day people give meaningful gifts, and these things were special.

• Moviepass — T and I signed up for the Moviepass service. My biggest fear was that the cards wouldn't come. Welp, we got the cards. However, I wasn't expecting to get the cards and not be able to use them. I'm not really worried. I knew going in we'd most likely encounter some trouble. Right now we're waiting to be able to activate the card, but our card status still says it's processing the order :/ Sad. 

• Hat — I bought a hat from Morning Lavender. I can't wait to have an event to wear it to. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to wear it just anywhere, though it is gorgeous.

Day in the Life 19

So I messed my back up.

Pretty sure I did it the day I stood for three and a half hours in heels. In the past that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but now I am in my thirties and I haven’t worn heels in five months because all I wear are my Rothy’s.

I hate not feeling 100%—it’s so restricting. I can’t rake leaves, I can’t go shopping, I can’t give big bear hugs. Ugh.

My back feels a lot better now, thanks to T’s mom taking care of me this weekend. But I’m still being super delicate about it because I don’t want to mess it up again.

Right now we’re taking time to watch Andy Stanley since we couldn’t make it to church today. I miss going to church and being in the word.

Self care this weekend- I took a shower/bath with bath salts, I coated my hair and scalp with coconut oil, then I moisturized my face with oils, I have my oil diffuser with lavender and peppermint oils, I painted my nails, shaved and lotioned up my legs... Oh, these have helped me relax so much this weekend. Not to mention having something on TV- Once Upon a Time. 

Wish List

Decided to have some wish list fun! If I had unlimited monies, here what I'd be getting myself for the holidays :)

• truffle clarity pouch large | $45
• menos ippodo matcha - balanced | $19.99
• vital proteins collagen peptides | $43
• madewell the canvas transport tote | $58
• tiffany & co. mini double heart tag pendant | $125
• local eclectic moonstone slice ring | $105
• consider the wldflwrs herringbone chain | $200
• anthro gold accent mug | $26
• verb dry shampoo | $16
• tonymoly floria brightening peeling gel | $13.50
• yves saint laurent touche eclat blur primer | $52
• david yurman morganite cable classic bracelet | $725

Personal History Series

In an effort to write more, I found some great writing prompts on Pinterest. I really like this one--a personal history prompt. Hoping this will make it easier for me to write daily while I get to revisit some things about myself. Once I start blogging, I'll tag them as personal history series.

Day in the Life 18

• Rothy’s — I got my first pair of Rothy’s on August 8th and I’ve pretty much worn them every day since. My feet are so comfortable in them that I almost always never want to wear anything else. They are the one shoe I can wear for an extended period of time (like walking around Mall of America all day) and not have any rubbing. These will definitely be going to Italy, though I do think I’ll need some comfortable inserts.

• MoviePass — T and I ordered our MoviePass cards on November 30 and got another email yesterday, December 2, that said they are on their way. I hope it’s true and that we’ll be receiving them soon. I’m so excited about seeing more movies.

• Morning Lavender — I bought a few things on sale. A hat and a Piko style top. I really want to be more comfortable wearing hats, because I have some cute ones. Maybe that will be my New Year’s resolution—to be more comfortable with my style.

• Christmas Shopping — Ugh, still have gifts to buy.

• Church — Going to church today was good. The worship was great. The message was good for me to hear. I always struggle with being different and not fitting in. Today’s message was from John about us looking, acting and sounding different. I definitely needed to hear this message.

December Intentions

Ooooh, today was a long but good day. And tomorrow is Friday! Woohoo!

Today I worked on my December Intentions. I feel pretty solid on everything I chose. It's everything I would want to do or feel, like being un-offendable. 

For #2 I am good at starting books but never finishing them these days, so I made a goal just to finish one book.

#5 is getting harder now--staying off my personal Instagram. It's been a week now. I don't really know why it's harder. I feel better now. I don't feel the pressure to post pictures for likes and I don't feel sad about not measuring up to others. I am just me. With my own likes and thoughts that I share with my close friends and not strangers or people who are following me but never like anything I post.

I also find that I get the longing to look at Instagram when I'm bored or sitting on the couch in decompression mode. So now that time means I can open my Kindle and get some reading done.

T and I signed up for the movie card today. Excited about more date nights but nervous since I've read mixed reviews about its limitations.

Also our friend group is starting Whole30 on January 8th. I'm looking forward to feeling better and having the accountability. I know T will feel better too.

I've started putting rosehip oil in my hair to see if it helps it grow and get stronger. Man, I am loving these oils from TJ Maxx!

Every day I write I feel better. Just getting my feelings out and reconnecting with myself makes me feel better. LFA wrote on her November Intentions: "Welcome your feelings in, whatever they are. They are valid and the only way to get past them is to experience them."

Quote: Mean People

“Your words will disappear.”

—Sansa Stark to Ramsay, Game of Thrones

Day in the Life 17

Tonight has definitely been a self-care kind of night.

We’re curled up in the dim light of the Christmas tree, where we watched The Santa Clause and ate leftover ham and green beans.

I bought the guide on meal prep—which I am super excited about! It’s perfect for me. It has the recipes for how to prep ingredients and then meal suggestions. I can’t wait to make some of the items she shares. I looked through the booklet while drinking some earl grey tea.

I don’t know how many days it’s been off my personal Instagram, but I really don’t miss it at this point. I feel better. The spirit of comparison has died down and I’m enjoying seeing the world through my blog Instagram—following other bloggers and celebrities.

I’ve started to play with the idea of giving up coffee. What would my daily routine be like without coffee? I wonder how much healthier I’d be. I wonder how much of my mood and personality might change. I wonder how much better I would feel.

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers drinking matcha. Maybe that’s a switch worth making. More matcha, more tea maybe?

Day in the Life 16

I did not wake up wanting to go to church today. Part of me hoped that T would sleep through his alarm so we could sleep in.

We made it to church after the first song had started and I wasn't really even touched by the worship. I couldn't concentrate, I had a million thoughts going through my head. And even when the singles pastor took the stage, I didn't expect my focus to to change. But it did.

Soon he was talking about being in the ICU, experiencing his midnight moment.

It didn't resonate with me at first but as he described what a midnight moment was—a time of utter hopelessness—I realized I've been in a continuous midnight moment for the last four years.

And I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of feeling hopeless. And what I found in his message was instruction on how to be hopeful.

And it doesn't come from the changing of circumstances, but the changing of perspective. Singing a different tune, like Paul and Silas in Acts 16:22-30.

It makes sense as to why I've sunk into a deeper and deeper pit—when things got really bad with K, when I stopped being able to communicate, when I completely shut down from people, I shut God out of my life, too. Sure, T and I were attending church—and by attending I mean volunteering so the intake was different since we never got to experience the service, the message, the teaching, since we were always working—but nothing was hitting home. Nothing was sticking with me. Then we stopped attending church all together. This is the farthest I've been from God since letting Him in to my life in 2010ish.

Some notes that I took:
—You will only remember what you study. If you haven't been studying, you won't know the song to sing to keep you focused with a destiny perspective. Is your default song one of complaining and criticism?
—Premeditate your praise. Make up your mind about what to sing before the dark hours and days come.
—Your circumstances should not dictate your disposition.
—Your perspective can prohibit your praise.
—You never know who is watching you, who stands the chance of being changed by how you act and react.
—Although you cannot see if, God works the midnight shift.

If you'd like to view the message, you can here.

Day in the Life 15

Black Friday sales! Woop woop! I ended up getting a lot of things I've been looking at for a while.

—Baggu
—Glossier
—Truffle

Thankful for the sales. I still have to shop for T's stocking stuffers and get ready for Christmas. I'm so excited about the upcoming holiday.

And I'm so thankful for today. We didn't do much and it felt so nice to just relax. We stayed in our jammies, ate leftovers, watched The Christmas Prince and Home Alone. This is a day worth treasuring. We don't normally get to spend much time together, much less where we're not cleaning the house, doing laundry, or doing dishes.

Also I think this is either Day 2 or 3 of not being on my personal Instagram, and I already feel better. I did fumble and accidentally click on my personal handle instead of my blog handle and quickly switched back. I'll admit there was a second where I thought about looking at the feed, but I quickly dismissed that thought and jumped back to my blog Instagram, replete with fashion bloggers and celebrities.

Day in the Life 14

Today was Thanksgiving and it was such a great day.

I think it was so great, we forgot to take any real group pictures of the family.

The day went by quickly and the food was great. So was the family time.

T made a video of the day—however I hate the way I look and I hate the sound of my voice. I hate that those things take away from the video itself. Hoping one day I'll get it over and love the video for what it is—a treasured memory of the family's time together.

Day in the Life 13

Every time I watch This is Us and the story focuses on Kate—especially little Kate—I identify.

This last episode shared how she wanted to go to music school but didn't share with her mom out of fear of disappointment. I think that is the theme throughout my life, not going for stuff and not telling anyone out of fear of not succeeding and fear of disappointing others. Hope seems to be a bad thing when the ending is disappointment.

Maybe one day it won't be this way. Maybe as she works through her stuff, I'll be on the other side of the screen doing the same.

Day in the Life 12

Today I finished the black and white photo challenge on Instagram, and it was really eye opening to me.

After today, I'm staying off Instagram for a month. So I guess right before Christmas is when I'll be back. If I ever come back to Instagram, that is.

I'm reading this book about this woman who stayed off the internet for a year. For a year. And she survived. I haven't gotten to the part of the book where she talks about being better for it, but I can only imagine the benefits. Not having to live up to any unspoken expectations, no wondering why your pictures don't get likes, no feeling sad for yourself—no more!

I know there's more to life than likes.

Like actually living life without wondering if a picture is post-worthy. Like actually telling my friends about what's been going on in my life instead of posting it.

Social media sites can be so cruel. They make you feel like you're connected to people without actually being invested in them. It's false intimacy and voyeurism at its finest.

So we'll see where I am in a month. I'm not giving up YouTube or Facebook—just Instagram, so we'll see how this little project goes. Oh, and I'll have this blog where I keep up with my thoughts daily. And you guys know I'm all about challenges.

Day in the Life 11

Why am I silent
I've forgotten how to talk to people
Lost the ability to communicate

Do you ever go down a rabbit hole on Google?

Maybe rabbit hole isn't the right term, because I feel like that implies you're not really looking for something.

But something's happened to me within these last two years and I don't like the person I am—silent.

Like absolutely silent.

When I'm in groups or around certain people I have no desire to share or be vulnerable, which I don't like that I don't trust those people enough to not be that way.

With my friends and with other people, I actually talk. It's a night and day difference. And it all boils down to trust. Being able to trust people with my thoughts and with my feelings.

So I Googled, "Why am I silent?"

Which led to "I've forgotten how to talk to people..."

Which led me to search for "I've lost the ability to communicate."

It led me to this Ask Alice article and in the first few sentences I was, like, "ME, ME, so ME!"

"For some reason, you seem to have become extremely self-conscious in social situations, which can feel awful, uncomfortable, and counterproductive...It might also be useful to see if you can pin this change in your social comfort level on a specific incident, a feeling triggered by an observation or realization, or a humiliating experience. Has anything happened to you in the past year that made you feel very embarrassed in a social circumstance? Have you perhaps gained some new awareness of a characteristic of yours that is making you socially self-conscious? Have you been openly rejected by someone recently? Any of these types of occurrences might set off a physical reaction to the social discomfort you are currently experiencing."

So of course this made me think. Back when everything was happening, I remember C saying to me, "Beware immediate intimacy." Up until K I shared everything about myself with people I thought cared about me and s/he was the first one to ever use that against me and in such a horrific way. There was another incident that happened later on with someone else, where I was telling them something important about me and my history and they were basically chose to ignore me and start on something else.

I guess this plays into my knowing the person and knowing the moment and being able to tell when people are open to listening and learning about you.

Sometimes people are never open to learning about you. And that doesn't mean you're any less worthy of being listened to. It just means find your people—the ones who will listen to you with care and understanding.

Be selective.

Not everyone belongs in your circle. Not everyone should belong in your circle.

Day in the Life 10

Today T and I went to church. And there were so many good moments.

Like when the two worship leaders talked about how they went from having differences and not getting along to finally appreciating each other and their differences.

Or like when E talked about why she shares her emotion when she sings. She held her feelings in as a  young girl. Being different—4'11" in kindergarten, crooked teeth, and unacceptable clothes.

And it occurred to me that maybe the reason I feel so detached from my days is because I don't spend time reflecting or taking in my day like I did during the OYC. When I went through the OYC, I processed everything and I took time to appreciate (or not appreciate) what I was experiencing.

This makes sense to me now, because in the thick of it, when I stopped wanting to feel or process things when 2014-2016 was happening, of course I didn't want to relive anything. Experiencing the day once was enough and I tried to forget everything that happened. And I got so used to blocking things out that I have started blocking everything out, even the good things.

So maybe this is my path. Whatever happens in a day, good or bad, spending some time here to reflect on it.

I need to find myself again. No more pushing myself down or keeping myself from moving on. No more taking in people's negative comments. If I can grow from them, yes, then that's one thing. If they're just saying them to be mean, then no. There's got to be love behind the criticism.

So here's to my soul search.

Blank Canvas

It has been such a struggle to write anything lately. I think it's because I struggle with vulnerability, which is so different than how I used to be.

I think it's also because I've realized that I don't want people's pity. What I want is simply understanding. Keep your sympathy. Bring me instead your empathy. Let me know I'm not a weirdo, that I'm not an outlier.

I just started reading Brené Brown's Braving the Wilderness. She talks about the moments that impacted her, that started her down the path of feeling like she didn't belong. When I think back to these moments in my own life, these include:

High School- M/K

Right before I left California- Mom/Dad

When I started believing in God- S/K

Right before I got married- K

The last one, aside from my family hurts, is the one that hurt the most. This is a little funny to me, only in that in every moment mentioned before that, I remember saying to myself, "I will never experience a greater pain than this." But this last one, what a doozy. It's the worst because it literally changed me. It shut me down and made me feel the most alone I've ever felt. And that's a pain I will carry with me until I can let go of it, because no one I've met can empathize with what happened.

And at 32, I still find myself not fitting in, feeling so different. So like high school all over again. And it's lonely. And exhausting. Feeling different is exhausting.

I really enjoyed Brené's "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)"—it meant a lot to me to know that I'm not the only one in the world dealing with overcoming shame. I'm excited for what I'll learn in this current book...maybe being able to see myself more clearly instead of through the lens of past hurts that I can't seem to shake.

Somewhere, somehow I need to learn to love myself on this long road to belonging. Brené shares an interview with Maya Angelou:

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong anywhere?

MAYA ANGELOU: I haven’t yet.

BILL MOYERS: Do you belong to anyone?

MAYA ANGELOU: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I’m very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and the courage very much. And—when I find myself acting in a way that isn’t—that doesn’t please me, then I have to deal with that.

I titled this post "Blank Canvas" but it's not quite that simple. I see this new season as a blank canvas, but the canvas isn't new and stark white with no blemishes on it. Instead it's a canvas where the artist decided to start over and repainted it white in an attempt to start fresh. Some shades and shapes show through the new glaze of ivory, but it doesn't mean it's unusable. The remnants will remain underneath the new layer of paint, but what will come is something new.

An Enneagram: The Helper

The Helper

istock/vernonwiley

Your Enneagram personality type is the Helper. You need to love and feel loved. You're the most trustworthy of all the types and your naturally enjoy helping others. You fear being under appreciated and you often overcompensate by giving more of yourself. You're naturally humble and you thrive on others noticing your good deeds. All you need is a little appreciation and your potential to help others is endless. You're a natural saint with deep emotional intelligence. Could you be the next Mother Teresa? We think so!

OYC Anniversary

Six years ago today I made a choice to stop dating for a year.

If you read that sentence without knowing any of my back story, that sounds so simple. Like maybe it's not worthy of celebration. But it is—I can say it after living it, it definitely is worth celebration. There was nothing tiny about it at the time. For a 20-something, living in the south where everyone was getting married young, for someone who had always been co-dependent and started dating at 14—it was a big freaking deal.

And you know what? I made it.

It hurt, it was painful, but it was wonderful and I wouldn't take back any of it.

Now at 32, life looks completely different.

I'm married. We own a house. We're talking about having kids—who am I? I don't think at 26 I would've imagined I'd make it here. But here I am.

And now being on the other side, the only thing I can think about saying in regards to this anniversary is...

On to the next challenge!

And really what I mean is just be prepared as best you can, because once you’ve overcome one challenge, there’s another waiting just behind it. That’s life.

Every season has a new challenge. Whether it’s singleness, work, family, being a mommy, or anything else, you are never done learning and growing.

Don't get me wrong—life isn't JUST about challenges. It's beautiful, it's about having fun, it's about enjoying who you are as a person and those around you and all those many experiences that life provides, but growth is a constant factor. You want to be one of those older, wiser 80 year women or men you admire when you see them out at a diner or in a store? Well, keep learning, growing, and not backing down from what life throws at you and you'll get there.

Learning is constant. There is always another challenge waiting to knock at your door. Don't run away from it. Pursue it and be determined to come out on top.

I thought being single was the hardest thing I'd ever have to go through. And then 2013-14 happened where I lost myself. Everything that happened could have been a perfect plot for a telenovela, y'all. And even on the days I felt like giving up—and even on the super painful days where I cried out loud, "I give up!"—despite those moments and declarations, I got up the next morning and pushed through the pain.

This post is a reminder for me (and for you if you need it like I need it) that some seasons of life aren't typically beautiful. The beauty part may come afterwards, and even though you can't see it in the midst of everything, know that it is coming. You just can't give up.

Looking at my old blog I found this picture (circa 2011). I remember taking it, editing it and posting it. It is just as much a reminder now as it was then... Do not give up. Even when you want to, even when it's difficult to keep going, keep going.

Becoming a Minimalist Part II

I think by now it's been a couple years since I started this project. Unfortunately I haven't captured much of the journey like I intended.

This weekend has been great though. It's given me a lot of steam to keep going.

On Friday, T and I pulled the Christmas stuff down from the attic. Last Christmas we konmari'd all our holiday festiveness. We went from all the bins and boxes to one large bins and two small ones. And you know what? This year, Christmas was up in a couple hours. We had let go and organized all of our things so well that it wasn't the headache I remember it being last year.

And that felt really good.

Like, I'm-so-encouraged-I-can-konmari-the-house-all-over-again good. And I kind of have.

I went through my bookcase again. Dumped some chosen books into the box for giveaway items, added them to my Kindle-buy-again-digitally-one-day wishlist and looked at my dwindling bookcase with glee. Eventually I'd like to be able to give up most of my books and use the bookcase for other mementos and picture frames.

In my bedroom I reshuffled some things and I bought 15 clear shoe box containers to keep my shoes pretty. I got rid of more sandals, a few more tops, said goodbye to an old robe and then cleaned out whatever was in the trunk at the end of our bed.

Y'all, this feels good. I almost feel like our little home is finally the home-y type feel I've always wanted it to be. The dining room where we'll spend Thanksgiving has its curtains up; we have a new bed with new sheets; we have a small loveseat to host more people—all of this makes me so happy, because we put a lot of thought into how to intentionally decorate our home. And what I mean by that is instead of saying, "I like this, I'm going to buy it and find a place for it later," asking, "What does this space need?"

I think that is what minimalism has meant to us—buying less and thinking very intentionally before we buy something.

I feel like we have a really good handle on things right now and if it this is what our home looks like now, I can't wait to see it in the next 6 months, the next year. It's always improving and we're always challenging ourselves to improve with it.

When was the last time you challenged yourself and felt successful about it?

Minneapolis Day 8: Psycho Suzi's

• Psycho Suzi's
• Lake Calhoun and Lake Harriet
• Ice cream from Sebastian Joe's
• Went to Patina
• Finished my pumpkin
• Watched Casper for Halloween
• Watched old Halloween movies

Finished my trip off with some more cheese curd deliciousness. This is my new favorite food group.

Just want to note my drink is a virgin Cockatiel from Psycho Suzi's :)

Where was the last place you had a really good meal?

Minneapolis Day 7: Mall of America

• Snow drizzle

• Pumpkin

• Mall of America

• Chick-fil-a

Ending the day exhausted but happy.

It started with just a little bit of snowfall. Just enough to make me happy, but not enough to keep us from going out.

Because of the cold weather and L's good planning, we had planned to go to the Mall of America. I was a little overwhelmed with its three floors of hundreds of stores and all its places to eat—but there were some beautiful things to see, fun things to experience and now I have some favorite new shops.

What's your favorite tourist-y thing to do?